Seeing Through the Grief

Williu/Pixabay

Our new book, Seeing Through the Grief: A Time Perspective Therapy Approach, has just been published and we’re excited to share with you the following adapted excerpt.

When our grief is caused by the loss of a loved one, it is usually thought to be a private and a solitary experience. The death affects all of the family members, friends, and those who knew the deceased but they each take their own path through their grief. It’s intimate. It’s personal.

Consider also the extreme experiences some of us may undergo—devastating incidents such as living through war, horrifying terrorist attacks, mass shooting deaths, and/or destructive natural disasters. These shared experiences culminate in what is known as collective grief.

One vehicle that has brought collective grief to almost all of us is the COVID-19 pandemic. This novel virus and its ever-mutating global spinoffs have caused us to grieve for our losses and the unexpected changes it gave rise to, personally and collectively—first and foremost, those who have died, but also the loss of jobs, limits on education, financial hardships, and in some cases the end of a way of life.

Fortunately, we are recovering as a society from the ravages of COVID-19. Unfortunately, the number of gun-related mass murders continues to rise, and when we add the growing number of natural catastrophes wrought by climate change—fires, floods, monster hurricanes, tornadoes, freezing temperatures, and record-breaking heat—we find ourselves facing a trio of disasters unique in our history. And we still experience the grief of personal loss when a loved one passes on.

How can we overcome such pain, such heavy hearts? How can we move forward with our lives? Let’s start by understanding exactly what we’re experiencing when we grieve.

The Difference Between Grief, Mourning, and Loss

Grief is a necessary and important aspect of life. It is generally associated with the death of a loved one, or a still birth or miscarriage, but it can also be experienced when we lose something important to us, something that may have helped define us—perhaps a close relationship that we cherished or a job or career, including work relationships that helped describe who we are and that we considered a part of our personal identity. Let’s also include the racial and social inequalities that have held many of us back from experiencing full civil rights; the education we did not, for whatever reason, complete; or the financial instability caused by forces beyond our control. We can grieve for any or all of these social, political, and very personal hardships.

On this page, when we refer to grief, we’ll be referring to the loss of a loved one, a person, or a special pet. However, the guidance we share can apply to any grief and loss experience. Grief can bring with it feelings of abandonment, helplessness, and the pain of separation, as well as a greater awareness of the fragility of our lives. Add in the fear of an unknown and different future than we had planned. In the earlier moments of grief, a sense of deep loss is often experienced. As time progresses, emotions lessen but remain painful, and the feelings of permanent loss may appear as a separate part of our grieving process.

The Difference Between Grieving and Mourning

Although we tend to interchange these terms, there are differences:

• Grieving is internalized. They are what we think and feel, like sadness, regret, fear, or possibly even numbness.
• Mourning is externalized. It’s the process we go through to adapt to the loss of the deceased. Mourning is when we cry, talk about the death, or perhaps journal about our experience. Memorial services and burials are also part of the mourning process. These are ways to share the pain and confusion we feel (internally) and with other people (externally).

In time, as our lives settle somewhat and we become more accustomed to our loss, outward expressions of our grief–mourning—lessen. But our internalized emotions—the grief itself—can last much longer. Depending on how devastating the loss was, and how it affected us, it’s not unusual to experience a level of grief throughout the remainder of our lifetime. These feelings may be fleeting or longer lasting, and may be especially painful around the time of important dates such as birthdays, holidays, or the anniversary of a loved one’s death.

Feeling the Loss

We feel loss as an emptiness in every facet of our lives—physical, emotional, and spiritual. Although not as severe as active grief, that sense of loss is always there, just under the surface. Perhaps the easiest example for us to understand is the loss suffered by being widowed. Two people who had joined together to become a new, main identity—a couple—are forever changed with the death of one. The survivor, now no longer part of the couple, suffers feelings of loss as they sort out who they are as a solitary soul, and how their life path will go on alone. The partner they spoke to, laughed with, tackled problems with, and enjoyed life with is no longer there. Now they are alone, with only memories replacing the bonds of living and loving.

But such loss is different from being lonely.

Loneliness is when you feel isolated. More than likely it means you are in your own little world rather than the greater outside world. You might feel like an oddball, like you don’t fit in, especially when others point out that you are widowed. Family, friends, and acquaintances may not treat you as they did when you were part of a couple.

Grief Essential Reads

When Children Lose a Loved One

What I Learned From a Week Contemplating My Death

Being alone is very different from feeling lonely; it is not so much an emotion as it is a mindset. It’s the realization that although your life has changed and you are no longer a part of a couple, you can act, react, feel, and join in the world as an individual. Although it may feel scary, especially at first, the foundation that you helped build prior to your loss is strong enough to get you through the period all by yourself. This is being “alone."