Is There Life Left in a Marriage After Infidelity?

Can you mend a broken heart?

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A patient recently arrived at my office in tears, her despair written all over her face.

“My husband cheated on me with his friend from work,” she sobbed. “I can’t believe he had an emotional affair.”

As I spent the session discussing her current wants and needs and helping her process her anger, it made me wonder: What can science teach us about infidelity? Is there life left in a marriage after betrayal?

Who Is Unfaithful and Why?

A 2021 study by Selterman et al. studied cheating in 495 participants (259 women, 213 men). Only half of the individuals who had cheated on a partner had intercourse in the course of the affair.

Selterman spoke about eight reasons that the individuals who had an affair believed motivated them to have an affair. For example, they were feeling angry at a partner’s behavior, wanting more sex, wanting more intimacy and love, not being emotionally committed to the relationship with their partner, wanting greater autonomy, poor judgment due to situational factors such as stress or feeling neglected and wanting a greater number of sexual partners.

Interestingly, those who believe that the reason for their affair was sexual, seeking love and variety, reported greater sexual satisfaction with the affair.

What about those who were motivated to cheat for non-sexual reasons? Not only were these people less sexually satisfied with the affair, but the affair went on for a shorter duration.

It sounds like very few people win in this game of infidelity.

What Science Teaches About Infidelity

Research shows that for both partners in heterosexual relationships, emotional betrayals are perceived as a more frightening sign that their partner might leave them than physical intimacy alone. This was especially true for men in heterosexual relationships and both partners in lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships.

Men who are asked about how common and how acceptable extramarital sex is (when their partners are not around.) seemed more understanding of infidelity. Heterosexual men experience more stress and anxiety about physical betrayals, while women and homosexual men experience more stress and anxiety about emotional betrayals. And the better the emotional intimacy with the cheater’s primary partner, the less emotionally fulfilled they felt in the affair.

Selterman et al. found eight different variables related to infidelity motivation. These included things such as feeling angry at a partner’s behavior, wanting more sex than is available in the primary relationship, wanting more intimacy and love than is available to them, having a low commitment to the relationship, wanting greater autonomy, clouded judgment due to situational factors (such as stress), feeling mistreated or neglected, and wanting a greater number of sexual partners.

Life After Betrayal

Although the vast majority of victims are shocked by infidelity, research over 160 cultures cites cheating as the most common reason for a relationship to end.

But does that mean that you have to break up because of betrayal?

It’s hard to say. Think about it: How would a researcher recruit a large enough sample of individuals who happened to cheat on their partners and were willing to be honest about where, when, and why this had occurred?

However, a 2017 study by Knopp et al. studied former cheaters to determine how likely they were to cheat again by following 484 individuals through their next two relationships after they had previously cheated.

The results were fairly clearcut:

1. Those who had cheated in the initial relationship were three times as likely to report cheating.
2. People who knew their partner had previously cheated were twice as likely to report that a future partner had cheated.
3. Individuals who suspected that their partner had an affair but never proved it one way or another were four times as likely to accuse a future partner of doing the same.

Not only do we have solid evidence that an individual who cheats is three times as likely to cheat again, but also, our suspicions of a previous partner’s infidelity make us four times as likely to suspect a future partner of being unfaithful.

Do You Stay or Do You Go?

According to the research, there are three points to consider:

Infidelity Essential Reads

How Betrayals and Affairs Begin With Small Excuses

Cheating Is Complicated

1. How long have you been with your partner and what is the level of commitment of both of you? The greater the amount of time spent in the relationship and the greater the commitment to the relationship, the more likely your relationship is to survive.
2. Was the infidelity purely physical? Purely emotional? Both? Depending on the gender of the cheating partner, this makes a huge difference in whether they feel guilt, remorse, regret, etc. An action without these emotional consequences increases the likelihood that something similar might happen again.
3. Has your partner been unfaithful with previous partners? Remember, this increases the statistical likeliness of them being unfaithful again. Conversely, have you suspected previous partners of cheating? Do you have a valid reason to think your partner is cheating now? Recall those who suspected a former partner of cheating were four times as likely to suggest a future partner. Before you decide what to do about your relationship, make sure you know the patterns and motivations of both your partner and yourself.

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