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Understanding Twins
Let Your Twin Make Their Own Decisions and Mistakes
A tried and true way to get along with your twin.
Posted September 26, 2023 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
“Mind your own business” is a hard rule for twins to follow.
Speaking from a great deal of experience with my twin, Marjorie, and consulting with a lot of twins in the throes of conflict with one another, I know how hard it is to keep your opinion to yourself and not tell your twin what to do. Without a doubt, both twins always believe that they are right when an issue under scrutiny needs to be resolved. Most twins remember well growing up together and giving their twin advice on everything from what to wear, eat, and shop for, what classes to take, and what to do about childhood relationship problems.
As young adults, different and more dramatic issues come up. In general, twins’ adult advice is practical, such as,
“Put your baby in a car seat.”
“Make sure your babysitter knows first aid.”
“You have too many boyfriends.”
“You’re not studying hard enough to get into the best colleges.”
“Your anger during soccer games is out of control.”
Most twins I know were not sure if or when their co-twin took their advice seriously until they saw them again or talked to them again. On the positive side, continual commentary from your twin is often very helpful. My twin Marjorie is a rhetoric/writing professor and taught me a lot about my overly intellectual and theoretical writing proclivities. Her educational advice helped to mold my writing style so it was more readable for non-academics. But, on a negative note, her reflections were often intrusive and overdone. I use myself as an example because I have suffered and soared because of my twin’s wise and sometimes uncalled for input.
Why Does Advice-Giving Start?
Over-involvement, too much closeness and twin enmeshment start early in life. Twins give each other advice on how to get ready quickly for school or how to study for a test or behave in the classroom. I am sure that I could make an excessively long list comparing my opinions that differ radically from my sister’s. I encourage you to make your own list of problems that exist between you and your twin that are not your responsibility or concern. Try not to give advice!
Minding your own business is hard because, metaphorically speaking, twins often feel like they are one person or attached at the hip. Over-identification between twins is powerful and common. Sometimes being too involved with your twin seems normal and may have some appropriate aspects. Most of the time too much advice is a function of just being a busybody and not paying attention to your own problems.
Most twins know that they are not halves of a whole and certainly not one person. But the reality of some twins not really accepting emotionally that they are separate people does happen, knowingly and unknowingly. Really, even very smart well-parented twins can think that being separate is against the rules of being a twin. A young and very bright preteen twin told me, “I am happy that you explained that it is okay for me to be a separate person.” I was flabbergasted by this remark, which was so insightful and profound but also remarkable, given the attention her parents gave to the development of her and her sister’s individuality.
And let me remind you, readers, that being different from your twin is normal and healthy. When twins see themselves as halves of a whole person they will have serious problems developing a unique identity and a positive sense of self and getting along in the non-twin world. Of course, twins are twins but also individuals. You can be both an individual and a twin.
The Side Effects of Too Much Advice: Fighting and Estrangement
An intensity to follow the given advice (sometimes it is a clear order) is always conveyed when twins tell each other what to do. Fighting over who is right or wrong becomes overly important. When there is too much turmoil over long periods of time, estrangement may be a side effect. Unfortunately, estrangement is common for twins who did not get enough attention to their individuality because of abuse or neglect in the home. Twins who have not had enough parental attention will fight more with each other. Fighting can begin when a new friend enters the twin world and twins stop giving each other advice. One twin’s opinion is replaced by the friend and is experienced as a betrayal by the other twin, who is not a part of the new friendship. In other words, a new friend is a danger to the exclusive and inclusive twin bond. I am very sure that parents and twins who take seriously the problem of adding newcomers to a twinship (and resolve it) will be rewarded with less stress and more understanding when betrayal conflicts evolve.
For example, talk about the newcomer boyfriend or girlfriend from your own point of view: “Jenny is too concerned about her clothes.” “Tom is too concerned about his grades.”
Reconnecting Is Common
At some point, twins must make their own decisions. The extent of anger at one another varies. Not all angry-at-one-another twins become estranged, but unhappiness with each other is more than possible. Remarkably, after many years of ignoring each other’s opinions, taking on each other’s problems can and will restart. I believe twins turn back to one another for help when they are more sure of themselves—more positive of their individuality. Obviously, there is an on-and-off quality to twin advice-giving, which perplexes onlookers but not twins, who are used to the on-and-off nature of their attachment.
Twins have a great deal of trouble minding their own business for extended periods of time. And many twins have given up their anger and disappointment to be once again attentive to their twin. It does not really make sense if you are not a twin.
Problems Created by Twin-to-Twin Advice-Giving and Too Much Closeness
One mother of twins said to me recently, “My 13-year-old twins are a unit in and of themselves. I see them working together on projects or going places together. Both of them seem totally content in each other’s company with no room for another person to join.”
This type of closeness is very natural for twins who have shared their mother’s womb and their family attachments. And while closeness between twins seems understandable and positive, it can make the twin bond intensely tight and seriously limit social skills and abilities. The most common example is twins who spend so much time together that they cannot be comfortable in social situations without their co-twin. For example, they may not be used to being seen as individuals. As well, over-identified twins may not have enough social skills to react to other non-twins appropriately. They may expect too much from others and always feel alone and misunderstood.
Rewards of Twin Closeness for Advice-Giving
Certainly, your twin's advice or concern is very valuable. When your sister or brother sees that you need help, they can be remarkably effective. I can think of countless examples, from practical help to understanding the pain that their twin is experiencing. The twin knows the whole story and gives very targeted advice and input. This understanding between twins can create over-reliance on one another but also an inability to know how to reach out to others for help in dealing with a problem. On the other hand is the reality that your twin probably knows more than anyone else about how to solve your problem. But twins need to live their own lives. Advice-giving is complicated.
Conclusions
Decide how serious your twin’s problem is before you start barking out advice. Think about how you can help. Be careful to not reignite anger and resentment. Realize that what is hard for you may be easy for your twin. You are different people. For example, one twin may love travel and their sister or brother may get stressed by new places. So advice in this area between twins with different likes and dislikes may not apply.
Recommendations
- Keep your twin’s problem in perspective and solve your own problems first. I know this advice is easier to say than to do, but try.
- Understand that most people do not understand twin closeness and may think that your problems with your twin are just overreactions. Talk with friends and family who will understand what you are going through. Talking to people who cannot understand is very discouraging and not at all useful.
- Value the different interests your twin enjoys!
