Verified by 
Key points
- Young children typically enjoy interacting with any friendly peer, while teens tend to be more choosy.
- When their interests diverge from those of their friends, teens often drift apart.
- When teens change to conform with their peers, they often end up putting on an act.
Many of my patients become unhappy at the age of 12 or 13, frequently because some or most of their friends seem to gravitate away from them. When this occurs, some of my patients feel there is something wrong with them. Some feel lonely and become depressed, while others become anxious about making new friends.
Mentors of young teenagers can guide them through this time of changing friendships by keeping in mind the following observations.
A Time for Change
I convey to my patients that in pre-teen and early teen years, individuals undergo a significant phase of self-discovery, gaining a deeper understanding of their desires and cultivating new interests. While younger children typically enjoy interacting with any friendly peer, older children become more discerning in choosing their friends. Furthermore, teens are more inclined to seek connections with others who share similar interests and a comparable level of risk tolerance.
When interests diverge, such as in sports participation, allegiance to professional sports teams, forming relationships with significant others, engaging in the use of mind-altering substances, or challenging authority, teenagers frequently find themselves drifting apart from their original friendships and groups.
Additionally, when teens become part of new friend circles, it can result in the rejection of old friendships because they don’t conform to the beliefs of the new friends. Sometimes, this manifests in a destructive manner that involves berating their former friends. In those situations, I counsel my patients to consider bringing some of their new interests and ideas into their old groups rather than shunning them.
The Benefits of a Friend Group
At a time of life when young teens have not yet developed much self-confidence, identification with their peers becomes of paramount importance to them. Joining a circle of friends enables teens to build confidence by observing and emulating their friends' behaviors, which fosters a sense of security within the group setting.
Teens’ inclusion into friend groups yields additional significant benefits, including the establishment of social connections that can lead to the development of peer-support systems. These connections can assist teens with their emotional regulation, guide their engagement in new activities, and even help with academic pursuits.
Regrettably, there are instances where conformity to a friend group can result in anti-social behavior, driven by peer pressure and the fear of being excluded from the group. For instance, the use of illicit substances among high school students frequently occurs in a group setting. When my patients bring up such experiences, I encourage them to become leaders among their peers by unabashedly choosing the healthy alternative of remaining sober.
The Loneliness of Being Different
Many teens find themselves ostracized from friend circles when they are different from their peers. For instance, a teen with great intellectual abilities may be interested in discussing existential questions at an age when their friends may want to play video games. A teen with athletic ability and a drive to excel may become frustrated with their teammates who don’t take sports seriously. A musician who spends many hours practicing their musical instrument may not have much free time to socialize.
Teens who find it difficult to gain acceptance by their friend group may choose to ignore their own desires or “dumb themselves down” so that they can fit better with their peers. For instance, they might avoid pursuing their interests and hobbies to the best of their abilities, which can be yet another reason for them to become anxious or depressed.
By encouraging teens to find environments that can facilitate and encourage their diverse interests, as discussed below, they can become happy members of communities that celebrate their talents.
Remaining True to Yourself
I counsel teens that it is important that they remain true to themselves instead of conforming to others’ expectations. In so doing, they can develop their own values, interests, and identity. Through honesty with themselves and others, they can foster healthy relationships, building trust within themselves and among their peers.
I explain that if teens change to conform with their peers, they end up falling into the trap of putting on an act. At some point, this will become difficult to maintain because of internal conflict and stress that arise when their own ideas conflict with those of their friends. Further, by conforming to a group, teens delay defining their identity.
When they ultimately shed their act, their friends may end up rejecting the “real” persona because it may no longer fit into the culture of their friend group. I point out that great emotional pain can arise from leaving after a long-time investment in a group. For this reason, I recommend against putting on an act in the first place.
Instead, I reassure teens that it is a good idea to look for friends who will accept them as they are. I encourage them to search for new friends outside of their school or old circle of acquaintances. For instance, joining a club that focuses on a teen’s interests may be a source of new friendships. Further, I encourage teens that when they get to college, they will be able to find at least some students with similar interests among the thousands of undergraduates.
I explain that learning how to become comfortable with oneself can be a long process, and thus, they should be patient with themselves. I have observed that teaching teens self-hypnosis techniques, including how to interact with their subconscious, often gives them a great boost of self-confidence as they gain greater recognition that they can rely on themselves. Further, I discuss with them that another excellent way of becoming confident is to push themselves to operate outside their comfort zone. In this way, their confidence increases as they learn how to be successful with endeavors that initially seem daunting.
Takeaway
The need to develop new friendships is a common challenge for young teens. Teens can benefit by receiving reassurance that they will feel better in the long run by remaining true to themselves through this process.
