Why People Often Marry Someone Like Their Parent

Source: pushishimages/Shutterstock

Most people probably aren’t overly-analyzing their choice of a life partner. If the person meets certain qualities on their checklist, they are usually satisfied with their mate selection. When a person chooses a partner based on shared values, shared intimacy, and the likelihood that they will emotionally grow both independently, and interdependently within the relationship, these relationships tend to be healthier, more stable, and more securely attached.

However, some romantic relationships are riddled with push-pull dynamics, unhealthy attachments, or issues that cannot seem to be resolved. Couples experiencing dissatisfaction in their relationship commonly report higher levels of resentment and lower abilities in effectively communicating their needs². Some unhappy partners can feel misunderstood, invalidated, or complain that their partner is too intrusive and does not allow space for autonomy and personal growth. Others may be out of touch with their emotions or may be used to keeping their relationship superficial as “safer” than risking emotional vulnerability₁. Suffice it to say, these relationships are at a higher risk for relationship strife, or disillusion.

A deeper dive often reveals their choice of partner as being similar to roles, traumas, or situations that occurred earlier in their lives based on their relationships with their primary caregivers, often their mother and father. As children, we become conditioned in learning certain beliefs, mindsets, and patterns that resonate with what our primary caregivers taught us in our formative years. As adults, this early conditioning may shape what we believe to be true about relationships, or the type of partner in which we are attracted.

There is a plethora of research suggesting the impact and influence of our early experiences as influencing the quality of our romantic relationships. These early experiences can shape our patterns, as well as our internalized beliefs about romantic relationships which may be recreated in our lives.

Red flags that a romantic relationship may be influenced by unresolved core wounds or childhood conditioning include:

• Relationship dynamics mirror what was conditioned or taught by primary caregivers.
• Superficial emotions, or restricted conversations.
• Choice of partner resonates with core wounds.
• Partner reinforces (allows) your childhood role to replay.
• Looks to be “saved” or “rescued” by their partner (or seeks to “fix” their partner).
• More nervous and less confident about themselves and relationships.
• Rationalizes partner’s behavior (or their own).
• Feeling disconnected or out of sync with your partner.
• Relationship is trauma-bonded—shared traumas, or shared unresolved attachment wounds.
• Conversation is void of emotional intimacy.
• Relationship dynamics mimic childhood experiences.
• Ending the relationship triggers deep fears of abandonment or rejection.
• Staying in the relationship triggers feelings of emptiness or depression.

While it is not always self-defeating to marry a person who is similar to our primary caregivers, three common reasons a person may subconsciously “marry their parent” include the following.

Growth Can Be Frightening

Ideally, a person will choose a partner who is their emotional and cognitive equal. In this situation, both partners challenge each other to rise above early conditioning, to push themselves out of their comfort zones, and to face their attachment traumas that may be influencing their adult beliefs or behavior. However, this is not always the case. Some may prefer to settle in a relationship with a partner who is not concerned about their own emotional growth, or their partner’s while some may even create an environment that favors emotional regression.

Because growth often comes with a deeper understanding of ourselves and our relationship choices, it can also come with walking away from some relationships that are not serving our best interests. This may be too threatening to some, who may prefer to feel “stuck” in what is familiar than to risk starting over.

Compulsion to Repeat

In this situation, a person may be trying to subconsciously seek closure on their relationship with an abandoning or neglectful parent in hopes that the partner will “rescue” them or complete them. This dynamic is common if a person is using a relationship as a way of offering them the unconditional love, support, or guidance they did not receive in childhood₃. However, this is also based on a pattern of self-sabotaging behavior and subconscious beliefs of not being good enough for a stable, or emotionally invested relationship by choosing relationships that resonate with “unfinished business” from childhood.

Validation of Learned Scripts, Beliefs, and Patterns

For some, "marrying their parent" boils down to subconsciously choosing a partner whose dysfunctional traits, behaviors, or beliefs resonate with what was taught in their own childhood. Hence, while unhealthy or even toxic to their emotional, psychological, or physical health, there may be an element of predictability in choosing a mate that resonates with a known cycle of dysfunction³. In this situation, a person may feel “comfortable” in how the dysfunction plays out in their romantic relationship if it was conditioned as “normal” in their childhood.

Relationships Essential Reads

Married to Two People: The Romantic Life of Widows

How to Tell If a Friend or Partner Is a Leaf, Tree, or Root

We Attract What We Believe We Deserve

While we may not always “marry our parent," we attract where we are in our own growth and what we subconsciously believe we deserve. If you were taught in your formative years to recognize your value and worth, the people you choose to have in your life should be representative of these beliefs. However, if your early experiences were shadowed by abandonment, neglect, or invalidation, it is important to speak to a trained clinician who can support you in your emotional development and personal growth.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Facebook image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock