Rediscovering Yourself After Experiencing Trauma

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Traumatic events can take a significant toll on a person's emotional, physical, and psychological health. After experiencing the effects of a narcissistic person, a traumatic bond, a loss, or other painful event, many people feel confused or unsure of who they "are" because so much of their time and energy has been consumed by the experiences of trauma.

Some feel a profound loss of self and struggle to understand the effects trauma has had on their self-identity.

In the words of Gabor Mate,"…trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you," suggesting that what may be traumatic to one person may not be traumatic to another. Yet, the implications of trauma on a person's life can be significant. Trauma experienced in childhood is perhaps the most damaging to a person's sense of self-identity, where they may have become conditioned to believe their value as a person is based on what others think of them.

The effect of trauma can differ for everyone. However, 24 common signs that a person has experienced trauma include:

• Chronic exhaustion
• Lack of trust
• Avoidance behaviors ("distracted" or compulsive) behaviors
• Feeling unsafe in your body, home, or community
• Emotional numbness
• Difficulty with concentration
• Heightened startle response
• Nightmares or difficulty sleeping
• Dissociation
• Skin irritations or rashes
• Gastrointestinal issues
• Over-apologizing
• Rumination or overthinking
• Difficulty in maintaining a healthy weight
• Emotional dysregulation or rage or anger
• Depression
• Self-isolation
• Uncontrollable crying
• Difficulties with interpersonal functioning
• Fears of being alone
• Difficulties with memory or information processing
• Faulty misbeliefs about self or others
• Shame and guilt
• Hypervigilance

Rediscovering your sense of self after a traumatic event can be a long process.

Some important steps include:

Redefine What Safety Means to You

Learning where your safety needs have been compromised is the first critical step in healing and learning how to rediscover yourself. Judith Herman (2015) posits three necessary stages in healing from trauma: establishing safety, grieving and mourning, and reconnecting.

Establishing a sense of safety requires learning how to feel safe in your body, becoming familiar with somatic sensations, and "listening" to what your body needs. It includes engaging in calming strategies and learning how to develop a sense of control over your emotions and memories associated with the traumatic event.

Over time, establishing a sense of safety can generalize outward to friends, family, and community. However, one common occurrence from having experienced a traumatic event is that the people, places, or situations a person once identified as part of their old life are no longer part of their new life.

Some may walk away from old friendships or relationships that resonate with narcissistic agendas, while others may limit how much time they spend with certain family members. Fostering a sense of peace and calm takes center stage when redefining what safety means.

Allow Space for Grieving

Grieving includes coming to terms with your new life post-trauma. When you allow time to process the pain, you also allow yourself to gain a sense of agency and control over your life. An all-too-common occurrence is that some will try to avoid the grieving process by distracting themselves with a relationship, a hobby, or even work.

When grieving is avoided, it can increase the risk of addiction, compulsive behaviors, depression, anxiety, or other health-related problems. Similarly, research suggests that a pattern of avoidance behavior is reinforced (strengthened) each time a person turns to a compulsive behavior to avoid grieving, resulting in increased risks for emotional, psychological, and physical problems as a result of these behaviors.

Allow Time for Exploration

Begin exploring new interests that create a deeper connection within yourself. This does not mean you need to dramatically "change" who you are, but rather to invest time learning about other parts of yourself. Explore what makes you feel happy, complete, and whole.

Take time for extra sleep, nature, and therapy with a trauma-informed psychologist. Examine your life from a different perspective and begin unpacking new experiences while surrounding yourself with psychologically healthy people who continue fostering your personal growth.

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To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.