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Key points
- Finding your unique sartorial style promotes confidence and self-esteem.
- Therapists can help with both the inner and the outer “you.”
- Give yourself permission to feel good about defining your style.
I don’t know how others in the psychotherapy field feel about that question, but my answer is a resounding—yes!
I didn’t come to this conclusion overnight. I grew up in a family that for two generations owned and managed women’s clothing stores. My father used to describe himself as having “retail in his blood,” and even though I didn’t follow in his footsteps, I totally understand his perspective. When I’m clothes shopping, I am in a special zone; I plan outfits and events even before actually buying the clothing.
And let’s face it—there are moments when I find concentration challenging thanks to my inner reactions to certain clients’ sartorial choices. Some come to me wearing the obviously wrong color (well, obvious to me, anyway!), but naturally a response to color choices is outside of my purview as a therapist. I even had the nerve to once give a client an assignment to buy a specific color blue shirt while traveling in Italy. You can imagine how disappointed I was when he didn’t do it!
Although my clients often comment on my wardrobe, little do they know that my knack extends to others, too; I like to think that my clothes-selection skills are just as sharp and helpful as my clinical ones. When I was five years old, I’d sit at the foot of my mother’s bed, helping her choose outfits that looked right for her; in college I worked in the men’s collections department of a large department store where customers trusted me to choose their ideal wardrobes. And, honestly, nothing made me happier than to join them in their zone and help choose what was best for them.
Of course, that implies a question: Whose therapy is it really? Maybe, if I’m being honest, it’s my own. Being able to choose outfits for others and have them trust me is an incredibly positive feeling; I get my own dopamine rush from it.
Two times in the last several years my skills were put to test by my playwright friend Paula Vogel, who had two different shows opening on Broadway. When she asked me to shop with her, I saw it as the ultimate compliment. My outfits would be captured for years to come!
As we walked through Saks for the earlier show, Indecent, I kept urging Paula to have an open mind. Yet at the same time, I was issuing myself some equally therapeutic self-talk, because I was just as anxious as she was. What if she refused? What if she rejected my clothing choices for her? I, too, needed to keep an open mind.
Fortunately, she had the good sense to go along with my choices! She bought some incredible outfits that to this day she uses for public-relations and other publicity-related events, including her Wikipedia-page photograph. I’ll be honest: that was one of the best days of my life!
This year, her newest show The Mother Play just opened on Broadway. We did our meet-up at Saks and spent hours in the store figuring out her newest look, and to my delight, her photo with Jessica Lang included the blouse I selected for her—and it looks great!
But this shopping trip with Paula turned out to be something of a revelation for me. This time, I didn’t make myself crazy doubting whether or not she’d like my suggestions, I just offered her a lot of different options. She turned a lot of them down—and I survived the experience. It was a lesson I could share with my clients: your opinion doesn’t have to be validated by ours, even if the other is a famous playwright!
Here is what I’ve realized about clothes and people. Your wardrobe needs to be a reflection of yourself; it’s about how you see yourself, not how others see you. It can be quite a vulnerable experience to try things on in the company of others and not fully love your body or how things work, and unless you’re comfortable with your clothing and style being a reflection of you, your wardrobe won’t work.
We all have our own personalities, preferences, and quirks, and they should all be reflected in our styles. What is it you want to project? How do you want other people to view you… even judge you, based on what they see? Feel free to ask a fried or colleague for help. We tend to develop a style early on in life that may not be as suitable as we age, our bodies and our situations change.
Learn to identify, perhaps through accumulated feedback of others and trusting your own eye, which colors and cuts look best on you based on your own coloring and body type. Instead of shrinking away from clothes that make you stand out, allow yourself to make a statement to the world about looking good and feeling good about who you are. This takes some effort, but with the right folks by your side, you will be able to create your unique style that enables you to shine.
Once you find the clothing that shares your true self with the world, you’ll have such confidence—I can’t say this strongly enough—that others will absolutely resonate with you as a result.
So… if you allow yourself the challenge of identifying your style and feeling good about it, then this therapist defines it as real therapy! For both of us.
