Preparing for the Conversation About Screen Time Rules

Part 2 of 2. Read part one here.

In part one of this post, I shared why strict screen time rules can have unintended consequences and how to discuss your priorities with your children. In this part, I will share how to prepare for that conversation by considering what’s most important to you as a parent.

Specific Exceptions

For most families, restricting screen time strictly by a number of hours is insufficient. “Screen time” refers to too many categories to capture in one rule.

Consider the following questions to determine what rules best fit your parenting values. While reading these questions, remember your motivation for limiting screen time. Are you most concerned for their physical or mental health? Do you want them to spend more time with friends or family?

I want my children to use their brains instead of just sitting around doing nothing.

• What if you are watching a documentary or educational video on YouTube together?
• What if your child is learning a skill online, like computer coding or guitar?
• Does watching the news count?
• Does passively watching TV count differently from actively playing a game?

I want my children to be physically active.

• Do instructional yoga videos count toward time spent?
• Is extra screen time acceptable after an exhausting soccer practice?
• Must the child take breaks during long play sessions?

I want my children to be social and make friends.

• Does video chatting with friends count as screen time?
• Are video games played with friends different than ones played alone?

I want my children to have a variety of interests.

• Is building a physical jigsaw puzzle different from a digital one? Is reading a physical book different from reading on a Kindle?
• Does multitasking – like watching TV while knitting or cleaning – count as screen time?

Other questions to consider.

• Should the child be allowed to watch TV after two hours of writing an essay on a school-issued laptop?
• What about when staying home sick from school?
• Do the rules change during school breaks or vacations?
• Are there exceptions while traveling in a car or plane?
• Should the child finish their homework before using screens, or can they take a break after school?
• What if they have fewer than two free hours in a day?
• What if they don’t use the full time? Can they bank it for later?

I often sit with teens who are confused and angry about these implied exceptions. Parents might know that the “two hours per day” rule does not apply when visiting family, but not including this caveat might cause an argument.

“I went to my grandparents’ this weekend, but Mom wouldn’t let me bring my iPad. I’m supposed to have two hours a day, so I started a timer when we got back home, but then they told me I had to stop at 10pm. I should have been able to stay up to get the full time!”

Or “I had homework so I only played for half an hour on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I had to miss three hours, so they should have let me play for five hours on Thursday to make up for it.”

It may feel excessive, but some children need rules which account for every likely situation to prevent miscommunications like these. This level of specificity is particularly important for autistic young people*, as they might not understand what parents imply by broad rules. One screen time agreement I helped facilitate for an autistic middle schooler looked like this:

1. In general, two hours of screen time per weekday is allowed, and four per day on Saturdays and Sundays.
2. Time spent doing homework and other educational activities on a screen does not count toward this time.
3. Time spent using screens with family members such as Facetiming with Grandma or playing a game together does not count toward this time.
4. This time can be extended occasionally if requested calmly and for a specific reason.
5. If screen time is not used, up to five total hours can be carried over and used on Sunday.
6. These rules only apply when homework is done consistently and when not in trouble at home or at school. If your average grade is below a B or you are grounded, no screen time is allowed.
7. All screen time must stop at 9:30pm.
8. These rules may change in specific circumstances, such as when visiting family members or during a break from school. We will explain those changes to you ahead of time.

Your rules may not need to be this detailed, but these were designed for one family to avoid specific problems they had previously encountered. This particular student asked important questions in the process of writing the rules together, so we included clarifications to address each of these.

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I recommend specific guidelines for most families, even for young people who have a healthy relationship with electronics.

Keep family meals screen-free.

Setting aside time for family teaches children how to have conversations and share space with others. It also helps them practice the overlooked skill of eating a meal while talking to others and practicing good manners. Teens often admit that they prefer to eat alone simply because they do not know how to contribute to a conversation between bites.

Leave screens at home except on long trips.

Children need to be bored to learn to entertain themselves. You will likely need to help point out interesting sights, play games like “I spy,” or challenge them to help with errands while they learn to help themselves tolerate a trip to the grocery store without YouTube.

Remember to bring alternate activities like coloring books and toys to entertain children when going to public places.

Keep gaming systems and TVs in common areas.

This will help your children avoid the temptation to stay up all night, allow you to passively monitor content and your child’s behavior, and encourage your children to leave their bedrooms more often.

Make sure that your children are mature enough for the games they play.

The most effective way to do so is by playing alongside them. Playing your children’s favorite games with them will not only help you gather information about the games’ content but also help you model good sportsmanship, connect with their interests, and give you the lingo you need to communicate your values.

“I don’t think it’s worth it to buy every season pass to get the exclusive skins you never wear anyway” is likely more effective than “You don’t need to spend any more money on that game.”

Further, one of the best times to have a difficult conversation with your child is while sitting next to each other, during the distraction of playing a game. Kids can be more open when it feels more like a friendly chat than a parental interrogation.

While many parenting websites and forums advise strict screen time limits, this approach risks turning screens into a “forbidden fruit.” Instead, consider establishing guidelines together with your children while discussing your values. Doing so will reduce arguments, help them understand and follow the rules, and maintain a healthy relationship with technology in the future.

*Although many refer to autistic people as “people with autism” or “people with autism spectrum disorders,” almost 90% of autistic adults prefer “autistic person.” This language is used here to respect that preference.