5 Romantic Ideas That May Do More Harm Than Good

Skip the flowers and dinners this year.

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There's an ironic twist to traditional Valentine's Day activities—they involve unhealthy relationship habits. Or, at the very least, they romanticize someone else's unhealthy habits and give us an unrealistic idea of what true love looks like.

As I share in my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do, it only takes one or two counterproductive relationship habits to weaken your bond. And while none of these traditional Valentine's Day activities are likely to directly lead to divorce court, you might want to think twice about engaging in them this year. These Valentine's Day activities might backfire and do more harm than good.

1. Listening to "romantic" music

“Love” has remained the most popular word in song lyrics for more than five decades. But over that time, the dysfunctional lyrics have increased—especially when it comes to glamorizing unhealthy romantic behavior.

Eighty-six percent of modern songs contain lyrics that promote unhealthy and insecure romantic attachment. So think twice about that romantic song you’re tempted to turn on—there’s a good chance it normalizes jealousy, objectifies partners, and glorifies unhealthy behavior. That's probably not the vibe you're going for on Valentine's Day.

2. Watching a romantic movie

Movies labeled “romantic” are often filled with unhealthy messages about relationships. The commonly portrayed storyline involves a likable man who aggressively pursues a woman even after she declines his advances. While this behavior constitutes stalking, research shows that when those messages are presented in a lighthearted way, viewers become more tolerant of dysfunctional behavior.

A 2016 study found that such romantic comedies, including movies like "Love Actually" and "There’s Something About Mary," actually shift the way people view love. Ultimately, viewers become more accepting of dysfunctional relationship behavior, including stalking.

3. Going out to dinner

If you eat in the same restaurants over and over again—even on special occasions—there’s a good chance a Valentine’s dinner might not ignite the romantic spark. Boredom kills relationships. In fact, boredom kills more relationships than conflict.

Research shows boredom is a good predictor of marital dissatisfaction over time. Couples who report feeling bored at year seven report higher degrees of marital dissatisfaction at year 16. Trying new things, engaging in exciting activities, and going on dates that keep the spark alive are key to creating a healthier long-term relationship.

So, if the thought of sitting in a crowded restaurant makes you want to yawn, plan a different kind of date this year. Do something unexpected and different. Doing something that feels more fun and exciting might do wonders for the quality of your relationship.

4. Posting about your love on social media

You might want to think twice about sharing that Valentine’s Day post professing your love for your partner or sharing a selfie about your Valentine’s Day activities. While a single post isn't likely to ruin a relationship, posting about your relationship can damage the intimacy between you and your partner. Research repeatedly shows that the more time people spend on social media, the less satisfied they are in their romantic relationships.

It's also important to consider why you want to share your love life on social media. According to researchers at Albright College, your desire to post about how happy you are in your relationship might be a sign of Relationship Contingent Self-Esteem (RCSE). RCSE is "an unhealthy form of self-esteem that depends on how well your relationship is going." Individuals who need a relationship to feel good are more likely to use social media to brag about their relationship bliss to cover up their insecurities, make others jealous, or even spy on their partner.

If you're having a wonderful day with your partner on Valentine's Day, keep it between the two of you. The desire to post about your relationship might not be a good sign. If you can resist the urge to do so, you might make a better connection with your partner and worry less about whether other people are impressed by your devotion to one another.

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5. Buying expensive gifts

Splurging on a gift that’s out of your budget on Valentine’s Day isn’t a good idea. Financial stress is a major reason couples break up. Research shows couples are already under the highest rates of money-related stress in almost a decade. Adding to that distress with a large diamond or a fancy watch might create more conflict than bliss for your relationship.

If you have plenty of money and an expensive gift won't make a dent in your budget, that's great. But if you're tempted to go overboard in an attempt to impress your partner or repair a relationship that is struggling, don't do it. Instead, focus on quality time, meaningful gifts, and improving your connection.

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