Why Can't the Narcissist “Hear” You?

People often describe feelings of frustration or aggravation—and even anger—when engaging with a narcissist.

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Ever feel you can't get through to someone? That everything you say is blocked or rejected?

“I can't get them to see my point of view.”

“They won't even consider another perspective.”

“They're stuck on how they see it.”

“They dismiss me every time I open my mouth.”

“They ignore my comments.”

“They refused to modify their plan.”

“They just won't listen.”

If this sounds familiar, you may well be talking to a person who is high in the trait of narcissism.

People often describe feelings of frustration or aggravation—and even anger—when engaging with a narcissist. The defensive maneuvers of narcissists can make you feel like you’re caught in a game of Whac-A-Mole. Once you defeat one of their justifications or rationalizations, another pops up, but this time with greater force. If you make some ground there, another issue surfaces. The net effect is nothing ever gets through to them.

People react to these narcissistic maneuvers differently. Some people give up. Others persist, believing that if they just explain themselves thoroughly or carefully enough, they will finally be heard.

Unfortunately, narcissists are not capable of “getting it.” They do not see anything wrong or problematic with what they said or did. They do not believe their position needs improvement or modification. There is, therefore, no need to change their behavior or shift their understanding.

Research recognizes the defensiveness seen in narcissists. They are committed to their own point of view for a variety of psychological reasons. Incapable of shifting, changing, or modifying their position, they are “dug in,” understanding themselves as they need to be.

Narcissists rely on six strategies in day-to-day social interactions

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6 Tactics That Stop the Conversation

Narcissists employ a number of strategies to keep challenging information at bay. Most often, they do not acknowledge—and may not even recognize—what they are doing.

1. Blaming: The narcissist assigns responsibility for wrongdoing or for a negative outcome to someone or something else. He refuses to be accountable.

“It's his fault, not mine.”

“I had nothing to do with it.”

“It was her crazy idea.”

“He never presented me with the facts.”

“That was his responsibility.”

2. Justification: The narcissist provides reasons to prove her ideas, position, or behavior to be accurate or worthy.

“If I hadn’t solved this, it would have spun out of control.”

“If you knew how bad it was, you would have done the same thing.”

“This has never happened before—no one could have seen it coming.”

“Everybody does. You did it, too.”

3. Truth (Reliance on Facts): The narcissist relies on “facts” (or what he believes to be factual information) as a prima facia defense. The situation, behavior, or position is simply true, and all alternative positions must be thrown out.

“Come on, admit it. You're fat. If you don't think so, just look at your BMI. BMI's don't lie.”

“You can't know the answer. People who go to Stanford are smarter than people who don't. It's just a fact.”

4. Consensus: The narcissist claims that her position or behavior is based on “common knowledge,” which is a generally accepted opinion, position, or experience recognized among a large group of people.

“Everyone agrees with me—even the kids.”

“If you look it up, you'll see this is what everyone agrees to.”

5. “Rightness”: The narcissist argues that his position is the correct one and that all others are illegitimate or inaccurate.

“I'm right, and you're wrong.”

“Just look at the numbers; there's no other answer.”

“There’s a right way to do it and a wrong way. Can’t you tell the difference?”

6. Superiority: The narcissist operationalizes what she considers to be her superior knowledge or insight into a position or plan that then demands compliance.

“I’ve got the Ph.D., not you.”

“I can see, know, and do things you can't. It’s not your fault you can’t.”

“Come on, which one of us went to Harvard?”

When used, they most often stop the conversation, limit input from others, and assert the narcissist’s dominance. If you do get through to the narcissist, it's not always cause for celebration.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Early Narcissistic Red Flags in Children

A New Way to Think About Narcissism

The Dangers of an Angry Narcissist

If you push the narcissist long enough and far enough, their anger will eventually break through. An angry narcissist can be dangerous. They may resort to insults and harsh words or set up hurtful circumstances in retribution. These acts of revenge could be as small as uninviting you to a wedding or as consequential as causing you to lose your job. Talking about you behind your back is a common tactic, and some even stage some sort of coup among friends or co-workers. The magnitude of the danger stems from their lack of empathy and disregard for the feelings of others.

Attack: When angry, the narcissist’s anger gets the better of him, and he may resort to harsh or cruel words or acts to insult or embarrass.

“Come on. You’re too loud and overtalk everybody. Admit it.”

“You're being a jerk.”

“You don't have what it takes to run this organization. You're a wimp.”

“You’re no good at this. Give it up.”

Punishment: When angry, the narcissist is prone to punish those who have crossed him. This can serve multiple purposes, which range from efforts to force compliance or to simply shame the victim.

“We're all getting together for a drink after work. But I don’t think you’ll be there. You’ll be redoing the work you screwed up today.”

“So, you think your wife is happy with you. Now really, how do you think that could ever be the case?”

“I'm not sure we need people like you on our team.”

The Reasons Why a Narcissist Can't “Hear” You

When challenging words break through or criticisms land, the narcissist loses their emotional equilibrium. They become vulnerable as they lose confidence in their inflated sense of themselves. In the simplest terms, they feel that who they are and how they see themselves is being challenged. Their sense of self is predicated on being better than other people, being more worthy and valuable, and being sought after and appreciated. As I discuss in my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, a flawed self-concept develops in childhood and, without intervention, can have serious consequences into adulthood. Suggestions, disagreement, and criticism all threaten the narcissist’s needy and fragile sense of self.

The narcissist’s sense of superiority has to be constantly reassured. This is why their position must be faultless and exceptional and why they can’t hear other points of view. To maintain their position of being better than others, they must be without fault, recognized as the winner in whatever venue they compete.

Know the Narcissist's Limitations

The narcissist has limitations that impair their ability to function in mature and healthy ways:

• They can’t tolerate criticism, which means they are resistant to ideas that are not their own.
• They can't see the world from a different perspective, which translates into an inability to appreciate the feelings of others.
• They can't assume responsibility for bad outcomes, which means they cannot accept their contribution when problems arise.
• They can't consistently support friends or other members on a team, which translates into a need to put down, and even punish, competitive rivals.

Pathological narcissism is a debilitating condition, and dealing with a narcissist is not easy. Recognizing the six strategies narcissists rely on when engaged in important conversations can help you see the situation more clearly and handle the emotions that dealing with a narcissist is bound to evoke. If interactions with a narcissist are causing you pain, therapy can help. You don’t have to do this alone.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.