4 Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

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A lot has been written about quiet quitting a job, but there are also signs that a person is quiet quitting their marriage or long-term relationship. Decades ago, before the trendy term had been developed, Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand provided a dead-on description of quiet quitting in their duet, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore.” The lyrics describe a relationship in which partners just quit trying.

Quiet quitting describes the practice of doing the minimum you can do and still managing to hold onto a job or, in this case, a marriage. If you’re the spouse who is still invested in the relationship, it can be dismaying to see your partner seem to evaporate into thin air over time. They may still be “showing up” physically, but you feel that they are as ephemeral as a ghost in terms of the substance they bring to the marriage.

There are four aspects of the relationship that may offer clues that you’re married to a quietly quitting spouse . . . or that you’re quietly quitting the relationship yourself:

1. Doing the minimum: Quiet quitting is all about putting out the least possible energy and doing as little as possible to get by. You want to spend as little time as possible with your partner—doing only things on the “required” list. You find yourself making plans to do things on your own, and you find that you’re not worried about leaving your partner alone on their own. Quiet quitters often feel that there is little hope that their relationship can be rekindled, and this sense of futility keeps them from vocalizing their opinions or needs.

2. Heart vs. head: When you’re in love, your heart and mind are both hyperfocused on your partner. But if you’re quiet quitting, when you think about your partner, your heart doesn’t respond—the relationship feels like—and you treat it like—an obligation.

Not only does the heart seem to shut down against the partner, but the body does, too. A quietly quitting partner may look for excuses to avoid intimacy and lovemaking. They find reasons to avoid the daily “goodbye kiss” before work; if they try to hold your hand, you might suddenly feel the urge to brush back your hair, adjust your glasses, cross your arms—whatever you can do to avoid contact.

3. Partnership in the “business sense” of the word: Your perspective on the marriage and your connection to your partner shifts from “happily ever after” or “love match” to something more like a business relationship—with a contract that’s hard to break. However, a quiet quitter may begin to imagine what it could feel like to break that contract. They may think about what living single would be like—fantasizing about a new life that doesn’t include their partner.

4. Apathy or lack of care/concern: The opposite of love is not hate; it is apathy. So, paradoxically, you may find yourself arguing or disagreeing less than you used to—conflict takes energy, and you don’t feel that the relationship is worth the investment of time or energy. You take care of your own needs and figure that your spouse can look after themselves—or if your partner is doing the quiet quitting, you notice they’re no longer doing the little things for you that they once did, and they have lost interest in spirited discussions or hashing out differences.

Quiet Quitting Assessment

Galanis et al. (2023) developed an assessment to measure quiet quitting among employees. Three factors were identified that reflected the essence of the phenomenon: detachment, lack of initiative, and lack of motivation. These reflect the behaviors that relationship quiet quitters exhibit as their emotional investment in the relationship dwindles while their sense of obligation persists. Being able to assess it accurately does not automatically lead to solutions in the workplace, and finding solutions for relationships can be even more difficult.

What Do Relationship Quiet Quitters Want?

Research suggests that employees quiet quit due to burnout, lack of opportunities for growth and development, poor leadership, and insufficient recognition for their work (Gabelaia et al., 2023). These causes are likely parallel to the reasons spouses quiet quit their marriages.

If you find yourself, or your partner, quietly quitting the relationship, it is time to address your concerns. Understanding your partner’s needs is as important as understanding your own needs in a relationship if it is to endure. When responding to quiet quitting in the business world, leaders are encouraged to shift the culture in ways that show their commitment to their employees. They are encouraged to find ways to show employees the value they have to the organization’s success and to demonstrate how each person’s role is important to the larger organization. Respecting boundaries is also important as having unrealistic expectations of employees can result in burnout and lead to quiet quitting. Applying these suggestions to a marriage may positively affect a relationship’s vitality:

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1. Partners are encouraged to take time to show how much they value their partner. Acknowledging them and expressing appreciation to them for being in your life can help heal relationship fissures as well as help maintain a currently healthy relationship.
2. Explicitly share with your partner their importance in your life, your family’s life, and the relationship. Let them know the ways they make your life easier or better. Compliment them on their strengths, offer words of support when they face challenges, and treat them as the important person they are in your life.
3. Examine your own expectations of the relationship and your partner—do a “reality check” and see if your expectations are unrealistic, unreasonable, and unfairly unilateral. Remind yourself that you cannot expect one person to fulfill all of your needs, nor should your partner be expected to carry more than a fair share of the relationship and its obligations on their own.

Quiet quitting a long-term relationship is not a new phenomenon, but the wisdom gained from research into the corporate version of quiet quitting may provide transferrable strategies for revitalizing relationship culture and strengthening relationship engagement.

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