Is Our Culture of Overachievement Exhausting Our Youth?

As a clinical psychologist, I daily bear witness to the increasing numbers of youth struggling with perfectionism. Hypercompetitive teens are often short on sleep and work late into the night. They are perpetually stressed out.

Parents share concerns that their teen cannot accept anything less than an A. They melt down when peers outperform them. High-achieving peers also tend to cluster together, spending their time comparing grades, homework, and extracurriculars. And high standards can extend to others, making it hard for the family to relax as the youth reacts strongly to minor issues and the mistakes of others.

By adolescence, 3 out of 10 children can be classified as a “maladaptive perfectionist.” For these youth, expectations of self are set sky-high. Rigid and unrealistic standards lead to perceived failure when unable to meet these lofty ideals. Accomplishments are minimized and these kids struggle to celebrate success. Not surprisingly, maladaptive perfectionism is characterized by negative outcomes and pathology.

Cognitive and environmental factors can make maladaptive perfectionism a difficult pattern to resolve. Teens high in perfectionism typically hold false beliefs that their negative self-critique is a necessary precursor toward greater commitment and persistence. They engage in repetitive negative thinking about their problems or experiences that is intrusive and difficult to disengage from.

Further, they often receive public praise for the products of their perfectionism which fuels attitudes about the perceived benefits of these tendencies. And social media inculcates beliefs that perfect and polished public personas are the reality. These images often portray a lack of vulnerability. They create unrealistic pressure to compete with someone else’s false and distorted self.

Many perfectionistic youths develop an overly compliant persona in an attempt to meet societal expectations. They typically harbor the belief of “conditional acceptance”—that they will only be loved and respected by others if they are perfect or demonstrate perfect performance. In fact, these perceptions may be partly backed up by reality. Research suggests that maladaptive forms of perfectionism can be predicted by parental conditional regard.

As a result, self-esteem increasingly becomes intertwined with achievement and approval. The fear of feedback and failure escalates. At the extreme end of the continuum, the child may learn to mistrust his own needs and struggle with achieving an identity separate from his accomplishments.

And in many communities in the U.S., a culture exceedingly focused on achievement is the norm. Families in affluent and upper-middle-class neighborhoods feel a palpable pressure within their community, school, and culture to prepare, push, and promote their child towards college and career. High schools unintentionally add pressure by touting their statistics on how many kids they send to elite universities. Families compare notes on where their children are applying.

It is no secret that college admissions to top-tier universities have become more competitive, with children vying for coveted spots with their peers and parents feeling impending anxiety over securing their child’s future. Further, more parents feel attending an elite institution is a necessity, despite data showing that being a college graduate alone is enough to earn nearly 70 percent more compared to same-age peers and set oneself up handily for financial stability.

As such, parents can view every moment as an opportunity for skill development and lesson learning. In a 2018 survey, 75 percent of parent respondents rated intensive parenting and scheduling as good or excellent approaches, and increasingly, families are leading fast-paced and pressured lifestyles.

For example, many parents hire college admissions coaches that work with their child to prepare for college admissions from the start of their high school careers. And messaging from teachers and parents to participate in certain activities designed to give the best chances of college admissions can lead a child to feel a lack of his own self-agency and ability to choose. Teens may take on a long list of activities in an attempt to impress college admissions without considering whether they feel personally interested in or satisfied by the activity.

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While increasingly parents are favoring this heavily invested approach, recent research published by the American Psychological Association found that excessive parental expectations increase perfectionism in students and can be as damaging as parental criticism. This extra pressure can show up in negative outcomes for privileged kids, including increased rates of substance abuse and dependence.

Sports have also become more competitive. The times and skills needed to compete are more stringent. I was personally surprised to learn that a number of female track athletes in our local high schools are running the mile in five minutes. The training and discipline that goes into maintaining these levels of performance can become all-consuming. As a result, play and exploration can take a backseat when they are critical vitamins for the developing brain.

And the effects are long-lasting. Many overachieving college-age clients arrive at therapy physically and emotionally exhausted. They may have developed so much anxiety around meeting demands at a perfect level that they develop problems with sleep, attention, persistence, and efficiency. Some have lost passion, motivation, and excitement for their academic pursuits. On the extreme end, I have seen youth and young adults view life as an endless series of tasks designed to achieve more, earn more accolades, and prove themselves worthy compared to their peers.

This is not to say that healthy levels of achievement are not enormously worthwhile and fulfilling. Research suggests that teens who participate in activities like academic clubs, sports, and other extracurriculars are more likely to show engagement in school with better attendance, higher standardized test scores, and higher graduation rates. Students who participate in extracurriculars tend to have more positive school experiences, higher expectations for the future, and more positive relationships with others.

In sum, while achievement and engagement are fundamental sources of youth development, we need to consider what happens when the balance between achievement and emotional and social health is dismissed or underrated. High levels of stress in teens can result in decreased motivation, lower grades, and eating, sleeping, and substance problems. In contrast, teens who can navigate the careful balance between work ethic and self-care will be well set up for the marathon of life.

Youth need to feel that meeting the mark is not all that counts. Rather than building life-long resilience and tenacity, maladaptive perfectionism and overachievement embolden chronic anxiety, self-doubt, physical exhaustion, and burnout. The good news is that parents, schools, and communities can play an active role in countering these influences to help youth develop a strong foothold on their mental health, self-care, and resilience during this critical developmental phase.

Read next: "Six Tactics to Challenge Maladaptive Perfectionism in Youth"