Is It Possible to Change Our Romantic Partner?

Do you ever attempt to change your partner?

Perhaps you tell them you can no longer tolerate how they are always thinking out loud while you’re trying to draft important documents. That annoying habit of theirs not only drives you batty, it also distracts you from getting your work done.

Or maybe in a fit of frustration you urge them to start hitting the gym instead of loafing around or lounging on the sofa night after night channel-surfing. As an avid fitness buff, you can’t fathom how anyone wouldn’t want to engage in a daily exercise routine. And you plead with them to start right away.

Does any of this resonate with you? If you’re like most couples you’ve likely tried to change your partner at least once, if not dozens—maybe even hundreds—of times. And how does that usually turn out?

Regardless of your specific situation and your partner’s personal quirks, whatever change you seek—whether it’s stopping or starting a particular behavior—the odds are you likely fall flat on your face.

No amount of begging, demanding, or forcing seems to change your partner. And if there is any glimmer of change, it is usually short-lived.

As a result, you end up feeling less satisfied with your partner and your relationship. Additionally, your partner feels worse as well. They don’t like being ordered around and may believe they’re not “good enough” in your eyes.

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In fact, researchers have found that when we’re repeatedly asked to change, it can lead to intense negative emotions, including feelings of guilt, anger, and even shame, an emotion especially damaging to a relationship.

This unhealthy pattern tends to repeat itself in our relationships causing us to feel flabbergasted. However, it shouldn’t surprise us since we’ve all heard the popular saying “you can’t change others, you can only change yourself.” Yet, we try over and over again to do so.

But what if we could change others, in particular our romantic partner?

The Science of Gratitude: The Secret Sauce to Change

The good news is latest studies show that we can, which bodes well for relationship satisfaction since sometimes change is necessary.

It’s not that we can’t change others, as commonly thought. It’s how we do it that determines whether we succeed or not, scientists discovered. And gratitude seems to be the secret sauce for eliciting change in our partner.

In a recent article published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers examined the role of gratitude in helping motivate a romantic partner to change. They conducted observational, longitudinal, and experimental studies, all of which showed that gratitude for a partner’s efforts to change was associated to successful change.

That’s because, in part, gratitude helps promote autonomous motivation in the partner to change. Rather than feeling forced to change by their partner, they felt supported, and encouraged by their partner.

In other words, they wanted to change. They received positive feedback from their partner in the way of gratitude. They felt appreciated by their partner and realized that their efforts were being acknowledged. In turn, they felt better and even more motivated to change. It leads to an upward spiral of positivity, and greater success.

When we are intrinsically motivated to do something, and lovingly supported by our partner, we are more likely to stick to our relational goals as opposed to having something forced upon us.

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As we’ve written in previous posts, gratitude is a powerful psychological and physical nutrient with a myriad of physical and psychological benefits.

Barbara Fredrickson, the leading emotion scientist, has told us that of all the positive emotions, gratitude may be the most important for relationship satisfaction. In fact, Frederickson and colleagues found that couples who expressed gratitude well to one another doubled their chances of still being together six months later than those who didn’t express their gratitude well.

The researchers explained it’s because gratitude makes people feel deeply appreciated, cared for, and understood. Something we all naturally want in our life.

Similarly, in this latest study, researchers demonstrate how receiving gratitude from our partner makes us feel deeply loved. It inspires us to want to be better and do better in life.

Gratitude Essential Reads

How to Focus on the Positive

What I Learned from One Trip Around the Ferris Wheel

Practicing Gratitude in Your Daily Life and Relationship

Given the importance of gratitude to our well-being and our relationship satisfaction, we dedicate an entire chapter to the emotion in our book Happy Together. Gratitude is like a dance between two people where each need to do their part well in order for the relationship dance to go smoothly. Practicing gratitude on a regular basis helps us become better and inspires our partner to become better as well.

Here are three specific tips we recommend for those who are looking to practice gratitude:

• Take time to really notice and feel gratitude in your daily life. Reflect on the small things that you appreciate in life and in your partner.
• Next, remember to authentically express gratitude to your partner on a daily basis. Be specific about what you’re grateful for. Pay attention to their personal strengths and actions and call them out on their goodness and effort to change.
• Finally, be sure to receive gratitude well from others. When your partner expresses gratitude to you, don’t brush off their comments. Instead, be open and take the gratitude in to reap all of its inherent psychological and physical benefits.

In sum, while we can’t directly change others, practicing gratitude can help us shape the behaviors we do want in our partner and strengthen our relationship.

Lovingly appreciating and encouraging our partner on a regular basis, rather than forcing them to do something, is a far more effective (and kinder!) way to motivate them to make positive changes. In turn, these changes will benefit them—and our relationship. Gratitude is a win-win for all.