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Key points
- Earning takes the form of many exchanges of effort for outcome.
- As the child grows into adolescence, there is much more expected and desired to be earned.
- With parents, there needs to be a mix of what is unconditionally given with what is conditionally earned.
Earning invests personal effort in some activity that can increase one's well-being or advance one's self-interest. And earning asserts honesty by owning personal responsibility.
In both ways, earning is empowering.
It is an essential life skill whether it means accomplishing some advancement or owning the consequences of one's actions. It is one that parents need to teach their growing adolescent as she or he struggles to gather increasing power of independence.
Operationally, earning takes the form of many powerful exchanges, a common few listed below.
- To earn grades, one must study.
- To earn trust, one must tell truth.
- To earn victory, one must compete.
- To earn money, one must work for hire.
- To earn improvement, one must practice.
- To earn experience, one must keep trying.
- To earn independence, one must self-support.
- To earn respect, one must live up to standards.
- To earn knowledge, one must continue learning.
- To earn forgiveness, one must admit wrongdoing.
- To earn advancement, one must increase capacity.
- To earn membership, one must conform to belong.
- To earn health, one must attend to physical well-being.
Growing and Earning
As one grows from childhood into adolescence, the matter of earning enters a young person’s experience with greater frequency and seriousness than before.
Much that used to be freely given to the little child is now conditionally provided as the older girl or boy is expected to do more for her or himself and for others. Increasingly, freedoms must be earned: “If you want that, you must first do this.” So, chores must be completed before permission is given to go out with friends. And now earning requirements rise with growing responsibility: “To use the family car, you must contribute some of the operating expense.”
Freedom Isn’t Free
More freedom isn’t free as adolescence becomes a more “costly” time for a girl or boy to live. Earning makes life more demanding as increasingly one must invest in work and own responsibility to gain what one wants.
Sometimes, an extremely sheltered or indulged child, who was given everything without making much effort or rarely assumed much blame, has to learn some hard earning realities when she or he enters the older and more independent world: “I never had to work for what I wanted, and any mistakes I made were never my fault.”
Earning increasingly becomes a pressing fact of adolescent life, which is why a middle-school teenager can sometimes resent a preschool sibling: “It’s not fair: She doesn’t have to do anything to get what she wants!” However, the growing demand to earn also has an upside, like first-job pride: “Now I can get paid for what I do!”
Given and Earned
There is a difference between what is given and what is earned in relationship to parents.
What is unconditionally given by parents that the teenager can always count on are such anchors as love, acceptance, devotion, commitment, listening, and valuing: “We will always be here for you.”
What is conditionally earned from parents that the teenager must work for are such desirables as opportunity, responsibility, approval, trust, agreement, and permission. “We’ll decide what you’re ready for.”
Now consider two kinds of essential earnings in adolescent life.
Two Essential Earnings
Parents generally encourage earning by their adolescent in two important ways that strengthen her or his power to grow.
- Earning can be for accomplishing: “I worked for what I wanted.” Earning invests effort toward reaching some objective. “I tried hard for this opportunity.” And now, industry is rewarded.
- Earning can be for acknowledging responsibility: “I must pay for the consequences of my choices.” Earning assumes accountability. “I caused this to happen.” And now, experience instructs.
One can earn what one wants, and one can earn what one doesn’t want. In both ways, earning can be empowering.
Earning for Accomplishment
Earning as achieving produces outcomes that feel beneficial. This earning can engender affirmation and satisfaction: “I got it done!”
Sometimes parents create "earning incentives" to encourage effort. “We’ll pay you money for every A you make.” But this reward can miscarry when the middle-school student replies: “If I know I can’t get an A in a class, then what’s the point of trying?” And now parents resort to daily supervision to see that all homework and classwork get done.
Earning for Responsibility
Earning as deserving assumes responsibility for consequences of choices. This earning can engender gratitude or guilt: "Good for me!" or “It’s my fault!”
Sometimes parents create "earning encounters" when misbehavior occurs. “It was an accident!” explains the teenager who is lucky to have escaped injury. Reply the parents: “We know you didn’t mean for this to happen, but you did decide to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong company, making the wrong choice, so let’s talk about those responsibilities and what you've learned.”
Takeaway
As earlier mentioned, when parenting an adolescent, if all is given and nothing is earned, the young person is at risk of learning a disabling dependence or unrealistic entitlement during this more self-centering period of growth. Just like if a teenager only gets taken care of and never provides family and social care for others.
So, while giving unconditional love to secure the young person’s basic trust in your devotion and support, also demand some conditional earning. This way, they will become experienced in working to get what they want in life and in confronting the effects of their choices.
What to conclude? Perhaps this: Two rules of earning apply when growing older. Increasingly, you must work to earn what you want, and, constantly, you must own the consequences of your actions.
In both ways, earning is empowering.
