Traveling Alone While Gay

I recently went on a trip to the Azores. My husband was teaching a seminar in China, and I realized I could either stay home alone—which would be fine—or do something really special like he was doing; so I decided to cross the Atlantic and hike an area that’s still relatively pristine and unspoiled.

And I decided to do it alone.

Arriving alone in a new country

I obsessed about traveling alone, especially as a gay man. Would I feel comfortable? Would I be pegged as gay? Would I be safe from bullying or actual physical violence? And where could I go that I wouldn’t worry and would feel happy? These questions cause such uneasiness that some would-be travelers don’t even go away. Many gay men don’t do adventure travel unless they are with a bunch of friends or in an organized tour group.

As a therapist and as a gay man, I hope there will be a time when these questions are moot.

I’m not in the habit of surrounding myself exclusively with gay friends—it’s a valid choice, but it’s not mine; I like a larger mix. Yet while traveling I was hyperaware of both factors: being alone, and being a gay man. I was surrounded by heterosexual newlyweds and families when I stayed at a resort for the first part of the trip; I enjoyed myself, but did feel… different. It stirred up feelings of vulnerability, this simple experience of not fitting into a norm. It was made worse when no server in the restaurant approached me for an hour; that was humiliating. My feelings about that situation were both distorted and amplified by having been ridiculed many years ago.

My second lodging was easier. I was in a city, and with restaurant tables close together, people naturally brushed up against each other, started conversations. When I mentioned my husband, no one seemed to think twice about it, and that was a welcoming feeling.

I didn’t physically stand out in the Azores; but I couldn’t help but notice a lack of rainbow flags or any mention of gayness. I’m sure there is a strong gay community, but it wasn’t visible in the heterosexual worlds I was part of. But that didn’t really matter: I met interesting people, went on invigorating walks, drove the entire perimeter of the island inspired by its beauty, ate sumptuous food, and generally had the time of my life.

Do your homework

I could do that in part because I’d done my homework. I know a gay couple who’d just vacationed in the Azores and their reports encouraged me to feel safe and welcome. That’s not true everywhere, so if you’re planning a vacation, make sure you know what you’re getting into..

Generally this experience has me wondering how we can be more supportive of solo travel. The industry needs to understand that it’s a healthy choice. We need to share more tips about giving ourselves permission to travel alone while gay, navigating the trip so we can feel comfortable, and share these tips with fellow travelers as well as people in the travel industry.

What about your partner?

In my upcoming podcast, Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You, my co-host and I discuss the pitfalls and joys of traveling alone in the context of being in a relationship. Some people, either by agreement or by choice, feel it’s unfair to travel without their partner, and may forfeit opportunities because of it. I encourage people to talk about their expectations around solo experiences of any kind.

Feeling lonely is a common theme, both for the person traveling alone and for the partner who may be left behind at home. I stress the importance of establishing rituals for staying connected to your partner, even while traveling in different time zones.

For example, without designating a rigid schedule, make an agreement to check in regularly and stay updated, and also create a ritual for returning to each other that is intentional and special. Instead of just picking up the pieces of daily life, create check-in time alone together and share experiences, including how it was being alone.

My spouse and I successfully stayed connected the whole time we were both away, sharing experiences that were equally exciting in different ways, and glad the other was experiencing powerful moments as well. It’s made me think both about traveling alone and staying connected.

Tips for traveling alone

• Choose according to what’s comfortable for you. The only right way to travel alone is to do it your way. Find a location and lodging that will be most comfortable for you and that will help you feel happy about being on vacation.
• Guided tours or solo travel? (As one tour operation puts it, “travel solo, not alone!”) Are you happiest in the company of others or do you prefer to go somewhere by yourself, either for rest, doing work, or simply because you know you will be okay being alone?
• Check in with others along the way. Whether you actually schedule phone calls or text your family and friends, keep them in the loop along your journey, and post on social media to have company along the way!
• Be social during your trip. Find ways of being social with fellow travelers or staff who is serving you. Initiate conversations share your experiences with people who you meet, and keep your head up, look around and greet strangers instead of burying your head in your phone

Tips for maintaining connections with your partner

• Agree in advance how you will keep in touch. Ideally schedule some phone time, either planned in advance or spontaneously calling each other to feel close to each other. Text throughout the days, share experiences and photos of what you are each doing, even if you are the one who is at home or at work doing the usual day to day activities.
• Share what it is like to be apart from each other. Instead of faring it all alone, discuss how it is different than day to day life and what it is like being alone.

Motivation Essential Reads

Approaching Conflict With Your Romantic Partner

Do You Have a Summer Resolution?

Traveling solo can be successful with some effort and planning. Feel proud about your accomplishments—and enjoy your travel!