Evidence-Based Tips for Holiday Family Gatherings

As we approach the holiday, millions of people across the U.S. are gearing up to spend time with family members near and far. These can be wonderful and rewarding interactions; however, for many people, reuniting with family over the holidays can be interpersonally stressful and emotionally difficult. We reached out to Karl Pillemer, a leading family sociologist and the Hazel E. Reed Professor in the Department of Psychology at Cornell University, to ask for tips on interacting with family members over the holidays.

Pillemer’s advice is based on four decades of research on family relationships after children become adults. Pillemer conducted the largest-ever study of family estrangement in the U.S. and has interviewed thousands of older adults to collect their concrete, practical advice on how to make the most of our lives. You can read about this research in his books: 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage, and Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.

Here's Pillemer’s advice for enjoying family time over the holidays.

Take a Stand Against Political Discussions

There is such a thing as a great political discussion—a reasoned discussion with people listening in which there is a realistic possibility of changing someone’s opinions. Unfortunately, in some families, the holidays can be a time to try and “fix” a relative’s opinions and to show them how wrong they are politically. There’s an easy rule for this: If there’s no chance of changing someone’s mind, don’t have the discussion. Be prepared to walk away. If a relative is taking out their hostility on the other political party on you, it’s fine to say no, be firm, and head to a different room or outside if you need to.

Your Relatives Are Not a DIY Project

When we don’t see each other that often, there’s a great temptation to use the holiday to change one another’s lives. Parents may see the opportunity to criticize a partner or to wonder when their offspring will finally show some ambition and get a better job. Children may look around the big old house and try to convince their parents to downsize. A simple fix: Don’t try to change anyone over the holidays. Focus on appreciating your loved ones as they are, and work on changing them at some other time of the year.

Step Back

There is a simple but powerful concept you can embrace to make it through the holiday: Under-react. Try to reduce what psychologists call “emotional reactivity.” Some family therapists suggest pretending you are a researcher in your family, objectively observing what’s going on. Stepping back mentally gives you more control over your own reactions and lets you understand your family dynamics.

Have an Escape Hatch

You can also take “stepping back” more literally. Some people find that their family interactions are more relaxed and manageable if they don’t stay in the same house with everyone. Try springing for a hotel during the stay if you know your family will get on your nerves. The feeling that you have somewhere else to go for a break can be very liberating. Or make your stay shorter—long enough to feel part of the family, but short enough not to blow a fuse.

Think Big

It can help to see the forest instead of the trees when you are in family holiday mode. You can tell yourself that making the holiday go smoothly is the best gift you can provide. Try to keep in mind that you are there because you love your family. If you are with your in-laws, remind yourself that despite whatever difficulties you may have, they did, after all, raise your partner. This larger and longer view can help you reduce family stress at holiday time.

The take-home message: Thinking about some strategies ahead of the holidays can help to ensure you enjoy time spent with family members.