Healing and Opening Up About Trauma in a Relationship

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Please note that the content in this piece refers only to non-abusive relationships.

According to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, 70% of people in the United States have lived through one or more traumatic experiences. Likewise, research has found that about 70% of individuals across the globe have endured at least one traumatic experience in the past. In light of these figures, it’s highly likely that for any one of us, we’ve either faced trauma, we’re very close to someone who has, or both.

In a romantic relationship, how is opening up to a partner connected to the journey of healing after trauma? In a recently published study, a team of researchers examined this question. They recruited almost 200 people with a personal history of trauma who were in a relationship. The team examined factors such as the tendency to reveal personal information in general, being open to sharing one’s inner emotional world with a partner about past trauma, their partner’s reactions when they’ve talked about trauma, symptoms of posttraumatic stress, and their experiences related to recovery and healing.

The results revealed that opening up more to a partner was linked with reduced posttraumatic stress symptoms. In turn, less intense posttraumatic stress was linked with a greater sense of healing. Not only that, being inclined to talk with a partner about trauma was in and of itself also connected to a larger sense of healing. However, these results only applied if a partner reacted in an affirming way. If a partner didn’t react in an affirming way, discussing trauma was not connected to a larger sense of healing.

Why might a partner’s supportive reaction be linked to healing and recovery? The research team cited the scientific literature to highlight different potential reasons that center on the idea that a person’s social world can influence their inner world. For instance, perhaps an individual who has criticized themselves and held themselves responsible for the trauma may be more able to transform this stance and offer themselves greater understanding when their partner offers them support and affirmation. Also, it could be that if someone’s view that their partner will respond in a caring way to sharing about trauma gets confirmed, then that individual will be inclined to open up to others in their social world. In turn, this might enhance the level of social encouragement and care they receive and advance their healing.

Of course, none of what we’re talking about here means that opening up is easy. It’s often a vulnerable step. If you’re thinking about opening up to a partner, it’s important to listen to yourself and honor your needs in the process. For example, perhaps you may not feel ready to take that step right now, or you’re ready to talk about parts of your experience but not most of it. Or maybe you’re wrestling with uncertainty about how your partner will respond, or you’re puzzled because your typically kind and loving partner didn’t seem to know how to react and you're feeling hesitant to reopen the door to communication, even though a part of you is longing to do so. You may find yourself wanting to try to broach the topic again with your partner on your own, or you might decide you want support in sharing and would feel safer opening up with the help of a therapist. No matter what you’re experiencing and what you decide, it’s all understandable and okay. Keep taking good care of yourself and finding safe spaces for healing. You deserve it.