Life Lessons From the Middle Seat

On a recent early morning long-haul Delta flight, I watched as a passenger assigned the middle seat tried to commandeer the window seat.

As I took my aisle seat, I saw a woman in my row securely wedged into the window seat as if she had taken root in the thin polyester seat fabric. Her eyes were closed, and her head rested on the wall.

Another passenger appeared and said, “Excuse me, you’re in my seat.” The woman at the window opened her eyes and replied, “Well, I’m already here and settled in.”

“I paid for a window seat,” was the response.

“I’m not moving.” The woman at the window replied angrily as if she had been poked with a stick.

The ensuing volley of words became more heated and mirrored recent social media posts reporting on similar airplane conflicts, some of which ended with passengers escorted off the plane. Parents insisted their child be given the window for the view. Families and couples enlisted flight attendants to relocate others so they could sit together. The morning’s increasingly acrimonious altercation seemed destined for Twitter fame.

It was a standoff. One passenger wanted her rightful seat. The woman in it refused to budge.

Finally, the woman assigned the window seat conceded. “OK. If you help lift my bag into the overhead, you can stay.” Her graciousness averted a crisis.

Then it got more interesting. The generous woman now cramped in a tight middle seat pulled out a homemade sandwich mid-flight and offered to share it with us. I declined, but the woman at the window accepted half her sandwich. I was fascinated. The two women began an animated conversation focused primarily on the seemingly insurmountable personal problems the woman at the window was having. At one point the woman in the middle seat patted the other woman’s hand.

I thought: Isn’t she nice?

What does it mean to be nice? Certainly, the recipient of thoughtful acts reaps obvious benefits. Much is published on how acts of kindness prompt the receiver to exponentially pay forward the generosity of others. But I wondered, what, if anything, does being nice confer to the gifter?

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines nice as one who is polite, kind, agreeable, and virtuous. Yet in the 12th and 13th centuries, etymology suggests being nice was considered foolish, ignorant, and weak. Apparently, as society advanced from focusing on survival and independence to emphasizing collaboration and courtesy, so did the definition of nice.

It turns out, the woman who conceded her seat benefited hugely from her good deed. Studies show “nice” people—those exhibiting prosocial behavior—reap profound benefits. There is surely a boon to one’s personal status. Those generous in nature are perceived as positive, likable, helpful, and kind-hearted. But there’s more.

Research demonstrates a powerful correlation between altruism and compassionate behavior. Those exhibiting it experience a sense of personal well-being, happiness, and better health. Science shows selfless behavior may even influence longevity.

Importantly, studies show that positive social interactions result in meaningful health benefits to the gifter. Benevolent acts are linked to changes in gene expression that can boost an individual’s anti-inflammatory response, tempering the culprit attributed to the onset of ailments, ranging from arthritis to cancer. Even more, prosocial behavior may also boost one’s immune response.

Even more, nice behavior can serve as a transformative and meaningful force in our increasingly contentious world. The World Health Organization concluded happiness is an essential factor in understanding personal health and a primary component of life satisfaction. People identifying as being happy enjoy better physical health than those who identify as unhappy. And being nice is a pathway to being happy.

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In short, it’s good to be good. Altruism is good not only for our personal health and happiness but also it’s good for society.

Do you wish you were nicer? Here are four simple ways to show up in the world as a nice person:

Listen. When a friend’s troubled, it’s important to understand whether they want help, a hug or to be heard. Here’s how you will know. Listen deeply. By listening deeply, you will be able to respond in a manner most meaningful and valuable. Listening is an art that builds rapport and defuses conflict by creating a path to understanding. It works in every situation. When encountering a contentious associate, respond first by listening. When your child is upset, listen.

Forgive. Consider that difficult people may be fighting a battle you know nothing about, as we learned from the woman on the plane. When experiencing prickliness, thoughtless acts, or hurtful behavior in others, we have a choice. We can hold a grudge, respond with anger, become the aggressor, and become bitter. Alternatively, we can suspend judgment, respond with compassion, forgive, and turn the proverbial other cheek. Doing so boosts our own reputation and can be a transformative gift to others.

Say thank you more often. Saying thank you fosters goodwill and generates warmth. If you’re like me, when someone says thank you, you feel seen and valued. Thank you is easy. Say thank you to the faceless person on the call center line. Say thank you to the checkout staff at the store and use their name if they wear a badge. Tell a friend your life is better for their presence. Thank your doctor for their good care. Thank your children when dishes end up in the dishwasher. In short, notice the people around, and make them feel appreciated. It’s a tremendous gift, and it’s free.

Be thoughtful. Lightening another’s journey results in a “ripple” of dividends. Small acts reap big rewards. Let someone jump the line if they appear stressed. Take a breath before honking your horn. Let someone in a hurry merge on the highway. Buy a small gift you think a family member or friend would enjoy. (I will long remember a neighbor who dropped a book of poetry on my porch because she was thinking of me.) Pick up litter. Hold the elevator. Send a card without an occasion to prompt it.

By the time our flight landed, my seatmates’ adversarial relationship transformed into a warm acquaintance. Before deplaning, I introduced myself to the generous woman in our row and assured her I would long remember her.

And as I headed to baggage claim, I wondered if I could be nicer and how I could emulate what had transpired that morning.