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Relationships
5 Critical Mistakes People Can Make in New Relationships
The heady emotions of a new relationship can lead to these errors.
Updated August 15, 2023 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Here are 5 common mistakes people can make in new relationships.
- One mistake is not recognizing differences with short-term attraction, which could have long-term repulsion.
- Conversely, you want to know how to make the most of new relationships.
New relationships are an exciting time of strong emotions. To make the best decisions, consider these common mistakes people in new relationships make.
1. Not recognizing differences between you both that are attractive in the short term but will repel in the long term.
When we're dramatically different from someone, that difference is often initially very attractive. For example, you're high strung and your new partner is ultra-chill. Or, you like change and novelty, and your new partner is steady as a rock but doesn't show much initiative.
At first, you might like that they're prepared to follow your lead, but years down the track, you become frustrated that you're always the one who has to lead.
Incompatibilities like these aren't necessarily dealbreakers, but by being aware of this principle, you can at least make thoughtful predictions about how you'll feel in the future.
2. Overlooking warning signs because of sentiment.
Have you ever wondered why people sour so dramatically on partners they once liked enough to marry? This happens because romantic relationships largely operate on overall sentiment.
When we feel positive about someone overall, we write off their annoying behaviors in charitable ways. For example, someone who is late all the time isn't inconsiderate, they're just disorganized.
When the balance tips and we flip to negative overall sentiment, those attributions change. We start to see all their negative behaviors (minor or major) as indicative of important negative aspects of their personality or potential.
Again, being aware of this common cognitive trap will help you make more thoughtful decisions.
Note that, although I've called it a cognitive trap, this cognitive pattern is also a useful mechanism for sustaining long-term bonds, provided there isn't a big sentiment shift to the negative, or you can recover from that and get back to positive overall sentiment whenever it happens.
3. Parading your new partner to meet all your friends.
A common belief is that if your friends don't like your new partner, then they're a bad choice for you. The merits of this approach are obvious. Friends can help you not make mistakes no. 1 and no. 2.
However, on another level, this method of evaluation might be too harsh and biased.
Some people don't make a good first impression. Friends may judge someone who is more similar to them (e.g., in age, occupation, or clothing choices), more extroverted, and more agreeable, more favorably.
Some individuals have qualities that make a strong, negative first impression, but have plenty of redeeming qualities.
4. Not maximizing the growth possibilities.
This point is different from all the other points so far. Whether a relationship ends up being long-term or not, new relationships have tremendous potential to help individuals grow.
One major way this happens is that new partners introduce us to new hobbies and interests. They can also introduce us to new ways of thinking and new habits and routines.
In relationship science, this is called the "inclusion of other in self" model. We pick up new hobbies or habits from our partners, and these become part of who we are.
For example, perhaps you've never been outdoorsy and didn't grow up that way, but your new partner loves nature, hiking, and camping. Through your new partner, you discover you like those activities.
Regardless of how the relationship turns out, take advantage of all the ways you can help each other grow while you're together. It's not selfish to do that, as long as it's reciprocal and you're both benefiting, and you're not stringing the other person along (e.g., you like their friends or the vacations you go on together).
5. Not allowing your new partner to influence how you think and the trajectory of your life.
The first aspect of this point is a variation of point 4. It's easy to see how a new partner might introduce us to new hobbies or good habits, such as if you start participating in a new sport because of them.
It's less obvious that we should allow our new partner to introduce us to new ways of thinking. I don't mean you should allow them to change your views related to your values like you joining their religion or political party. What I mean is that you should observe things like the mental strategies they use for solving problems or regulating themselves, and try out some of those methods.
More broadly, don't slot a new partner into a role you imagined filling in your life. Life has lots of twists and turns and frequently doesn't follow the path we expected. In any relationship that survives and flourishes, you will chart a course together that might be quite different from the life course you imagined.
Make the most of that, rather than seeking a partner who will just slot into your current/desired life trajectory and not change it. Seek someone who influences the trajectory of your life in positive ways, rather than someone who won't change it at all.
NOTE: All these points are intended to get you thinking, not to make you worry. As with any post you read online, take from it what's helpful and thought-provoking for you, and leave the rest. Anything that irks you may be a useful message for another reader but not for you. It's not only OK but desirable to recognize and label that. When armed with knowledge, you choose how you use it.
