How to Outsmart a Narcissist

For whatever reason, and bless their little pointed heads, narcissists use bullshit to bulldoze everyone out of their way. Bullshit in the technical sense: Claiming to speak the truth without caring what’s true. Narcissists don’t care what they say. Their words are territorial braying noises that they hope will back you off. But they hope you’ll care. If you’ve got a conscience, they can manipulate it with their words without ever thinking about what their words mean.

We all get narcissistic. What, then, makes someone a narcissist? Decent people know that their narcissistic impulses are a problem they have to manage. Narcissists treat narcissism as the solution to all of their problems. And it works if we let them get away with it. Their mindless bullshitdozing can get so reliable that they seek conflict just so they can relive their triumph, their fake eternal winning streak.

No matter how you react, narcissists have a way of interpreting it as a win for them and a loss for you. If you walk away, you’re a quitter. If you get upset, you’re hypersensitive. If you curse them, you’re impolite. If you reason with them, you’re a sucker. If you get angry, you’re overreacting. Your every predictable response triggers a track off their mindless victory, broken-record soundtrack.

Once you’ve made a careful guess that you’re dealing with a narcissist, stop listening to their words as if they mean them. Concentrate only on relentlessly exposing their mindless mind game. Relentlessly. They’ll try to change the subject. Don’t let them lead you by the nose to the topics where they can win. You have one mission, exposing their bullshitdozing.

If you have an audience, direct your responses to them, like ignoring an exhibitionist by talking directly to witnesses. “Check out what he does.”

Without thinking, narcissists will retaliate. That’s the trap you’re setting. It’s evidence that confirms your accusation. Stay relentless: “See? There he goes again. It’s all he’s got. He blurts anything to feel heroic. The guy has no curiosity. He avoids doubt at all costs.”

They’ll eventually respond with an automatic “No, that’s what you do. You’re the narcissist, not me.” Ignore them and keep hammering away.

If the narcissist can’t win, they’ll settle for a tie that they can ignore. They might say, “so what, you do it too.”

Surprise them by admitting you do. We all posture as heroic to some extent. We all get narcissistic. Still, there’s a difference between people who do it in a pinch and absolute narcissists who do it nonstop. Your point is that by now, you’re confident that they do it nonstop. They’ve got nothing else. They’re one-trick phonies. All they do is self-pleasure by playing god.

Notice that this is a response to their words as if they mean them. Still, you’re not taking their bait in self-defense, and you’re dogged, consistently shifting the focus back to their mindless bullshitdozing.

Don’t try to convince them it’s true. Don’t explain why their behavior is immoral or hurts you. You’re just voicing your opinion. Remain unmoved. If they respond with a mindless scold about you being closed-minded, don’t deny it, Again try, “Sure, I’m closed to your moralizing. I don’t aim to be absolutely open-minded. I try to be open and closed to the right, not the wrong, things, and I don’t take moral counsel from people who consistently bullshit to bulldoze.”

Avoid anxiety about their accusations. Given their mindless soundtrack, they don’t have a moral leg to stand on. Keep your own counsel. Remember, you’re open to criticism from people who mean what they say, not from narcissists who don’t.

Now, maybe you think this technique won’t work. And maybe it won’t. But try to keep in mind who you’re dealing with. A narcissist’s sole goal is to keep everything from working on them. Bullshitdozing is all about self-protection. It’s really hard to frustrate a narcissist. They are masters of deflection. Making you feel like the loser is the object of their game.

Of course, you have to be careful where you employ this approach. But it’s something to try that they aren’t expecting; it’s downright tragic how rarely it’s tried. People tend to take the narcissist’s bait, get flustered, and fail. That’s why narcissists keep getting away with it.

This article as a video.