Truce Abuse: The Wrong and Right Way to End Your Fight

A friend sends you an email to try to put a fight to rest. You can tell that they want to patch things up, but it’s not working. You can’t put a finger on why their message is so irritating. They’re saying all the right things, but they don’t sound human. They’re trying to sound like the person they wish they were. It’s like they’ve retreated into posturing at you.

Their note feels like a string of cliches, platitudes, and virtue signals. They tell you they never said that they’re perfect, that they’re open-minded, and always admit to mistakes. But they’re not admitting to anything, nor are they showing any signs of admitting any of your ideas into their thoughts.

Maybe that’s the problem. They’re not being real with you. They’re talking from their aspirational self. It’s a performance. They’re displaying a public front, their wannabe self. It feels like you’re talking to the cardboard cutout behind which they’ve retreated.

Maybe you’ve written an email like that, too. When writing it, you felt good about yourself. You were surprised that it didn’t have the effect you intended. Maybe that’s the reason. They want to talk to you, not your PR agent.

Now, if you’ve ever had to write a public apology, it might have been just what the PR department recommended. Check all the appropriate boxes. State as fact that you’re humble, open-minded, and apologetic. Put on the appropriate mask of contrition. Ask for forgiveness, but don’t say what for. Don’t call attention to your actual errors. Don’t show any real curiosity about your contribution to the problems. Just signal that you could, and are even though you aren’t. Chances are, folks will get distracted and move on to someone else’s public embarrassment.

One-on-one PR-face doesn’t work so well. It doesn’t address conflict or rebuild rapport. It can feel like a safe retreat to you, but it’s threatening to your opponent, you hiding behind a wannabe caricature.

What works instead? How can you put a conflict to rest without grandstanding about your virtue in ways that leave your opponent frustrated?

1. Avoid boilerplate virtue signaling: Don’t lean into the many cliches that make you sound high-minded. For example, don’t say, “I never said I was perfect,” or “everyone makes mistakes.” We’ve all heard those cliches. We can all say them in our sleep. They take no thought at all, and they mean nothing. No one says they’re perfect, but not everyone can admit to their particular imperfections. So…
2. Admit to specific imperfections—yours, not theirs: Did you make a bad bet on what to say? Did you say something that could have worked but didn’t in this situation? Did you misread your opponent? Did you say something in the throes of the fight that didn’t help? Do you have a tendency to do that? If so, stand corrected, your dignity intact. It’s not like it proves they did nothing to contribute to the fight. You’d like to focus on their mistakes but…
3. No sucker punches: A sucker punch is an attack while calling for a truce, insulting someone when you’ve encouraged them to let their guard down. It’s tempting to say “Let’s just agree to disagree, you fool.” It’s tempting to slam the door while saying “Let’s take some space.” And it’s no way to de-escalate a fight. To de-escalate…
4. Bite your tongue selectively: Chances are you still have disagreements to address. But maybe they can wait. Try to avoid raising anything that you predict will yield a defensive response. You know the person. You’ve seen how they’ve responded in the throes of the fight. If you’re trying to de-escalate, don’t bring the disagreements up now, despite the temptation. Don’t even mention that you’re not bringing them up, because…
5. Don’t pull moral rank as if you're the neutral party: You might be tempted to say, “Look I don’t want to argue. I’m not attacking you.” That’s just more infuriating boilerplate platitudes that make your opponent wrong about everything as if it proves you’re right about everything. After all, if you don’t want to argue, it must be them, and they should just agree with you.. If you claim you’re not attacking them, then they must be paranoid. Them's fighting words, sucker punches that won’t help you de-escalate. Rather than pulling moral rank, flip it…
6. Make a joke at your expense: If you really want to turn down the heat, self-effacing humor is just the ticket and a great way to demonstrate “calmfidence”—calm confidence—and dignity. Defensive people can’t laugh at themselves. Don’t tell people you’re open-minded. Show that you are by laughing at your own humanness. Again, make it specific. Letting your guard down might make them let their guard down. Then again…
7. When to hold; when to fold?: If you joke about how you could be wrong, your opponent might say “I agree. I could be wrong too,” or they might say “I agree. You could be wrong, and you are, which proves I’m right!” Letting your guard down can encourage them to reciprocate or to keep their guard up. If you’ve tried a little self-effacing humor (and demonstrated that you really heard them by voicing their argument back to them—active listening, which goes without saying but bears repeating as the most fundamental way to demonstrate you’re receptivity) and nothing seems to de-escalate the fight, time to quit, at least for now…
8. Don’t fight in the throes: Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it’s worth a try. Arguing in the throes especially throwing rocks at each other by email is more likely to escalate than de-escalate. Maybe give it some time and get together when things have cooled down. You might even have forgotten what the argument was about and how you were tempted to do what doesn’t work.

Don’t think you’re de-escalating an interpersonal fight by displaying your PR wannabe virtue-signaling cardboard persona: Again, it’ll make you feel better and virtuous, but it’s the opposite of a human connection.

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