5 Things to Do Before Texting an Ex

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Almost everyone has experienced pain related to the end of a relationship. The weeks following a breakup, in particular, can be emotionally fraught. Research suggests that it is common to experience a period of greater emotional volatility, higher distress, and lower life satisfaction within months of a partnership ending.

Whether you broke up years ago or yesterday, there are plenty of reasons why the urge to get back in contact with an ex might arise. Maybe you feel lonely and would like the comfort of talking to someone who really knows you. Maybe you are still trying to understand where things went wrong, and have questions that are unanswered. Or maybe you are past the acutely painful period, and are feeling a bit flirtatious. Regardless of why, it’s worth pausing first to consider the potential blow back.

Contact with an ex-partner can increase psychological distress

Unfortunately, research indicates that staying in contact with an ex-partner ultimately prolongs pain. In one large study of unmarried adults ages 18 to 35, continued contact with an ex was associated with lower levels of life satisfaction. In another study of young adults who had recently ended a romantic relationship, participants were asked to rate their emotions at random times over a four-week period. On days when they were in contact with their exes, they reported experiencing higher levels of love–but also of sadness. A more recent study of recently separated individuals found that seeing an ex-partner in person more frequently was associated with higher levels of separation-related distress, even two months later.

Strategies to use before reaching out to an ex

Whether you already know that a text is a bad idea or you are still contemplating what to do, here are five skills from Dialectical Behavior Therapy to use before you reach out (or respond) to your former partner.

1. Identify the emotion behind the urge to text your ex. Are you feeling lonely? Anxious? Sad? Angry? Sometimes we do things on impulse that don’t serve us in the long run because we want to make an unpleasant emotion go away as quickly as possible. Once you have identified what you are feeling, practice sitting with that emotion for a few moments before reacting. How does that emotion feel in your body? All emotions eventually pass on their own–you don’t actually have to do anything to make it go away.
2. Do the opposite of what your emotion wants you to do. If you decide that you do want to change your emotion, one of the most effective strategies is to do the opposite of your emotional urge. For example, being sad usually leads us to want to stay in bed and withdraw from others. This can be helpful for a few days with a break up, but eventually it could lead to persistently low mood. Getting out of the house to spend time with others may be the last thing you want to do, but it is likely to make you feel a bit happier.
3. Check your thoughts about the situation. If your thoughts are extreme, it may be helpful to see if they are in line with the facts on the ground. For example, thoughts like “I’ll never find someone who loves me like he did” or “this pain is unbearable and will never end” are both unlikely to be true. Coming up with a more balanced thought can be comforting–something like “she meant a lot to me, but I will likely make another strong connection in the future” or “I’m in pain right now, but it will get better with time.”
4. Write out the pros and cons of getting in contact with your ex. Don’t just mentally tally the pros and cons, actually write them out. First, write down as many reasons as you can think of why reaching out could be beneficial. Then write out as many reasons as you can think of why reaching out could be harmful. Compare the two lists, considering not only how many items are on each, but how important each item is. Save a copy of the pros and cons list so that you can read it again if the urge to contact your ex comes up later.
5. Soothe yourself using all five of your senses. Sometimes we seek intimacy with others when the idea of comforting our own emotions feels too overwhelming. One of the quickest routes to self-soothing is through your five senses. Try doing one activity to soothe yourself using each of the senses. For example, open the blinds to look at the sky outside (sight). Put on some low music, like jazz, bluegrass, or gospel (sound). Make yourself some mint tea (taste), light a fragrant candle (smell), and curl up in a cozy blanket. Will this fix all your problems? No, but it might help get you through a tough moment without doing or saying something that you would regret later.

Practicing these five strategies could prevent you from re-opening communication that would lead to more pain. However, even if you do decide to talk to your ex, identifying and regulating your own emotions first will likely help you to communicate more effectively.

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