The Missing Piece of Men’s Self-Care—Other Men

For most guys, self-care conjures images of solitary endeavors—meditation, solo workouts, or personal goal-setting. However, there's an often-overlooked aspect of men's self-care that could be the missing piece in helping men flourish: the power of connection with other men.

Redefining Self-Care: Embracing Togetherness

A lot of men think self-care is doing stuff for oneself, by oneself. This is mistaken.

Authentic self-care boils down to two simple things:

1. Recognizing what you truly need to be well.
2. Giving yourself what you need to the best of your ability, and if you can't give it to yourself, asking for it.

This second piece breaks down the dichotomy between self-care and community-care, recognizing that the two are intimately intertwined. While men need to embrace radical responsibility for all aspects of their lives, there's a limit to what any man can do alone. Many aspects of well-being, mental health, and personal growth require guidance and leadership, especially from other men who have wisdom to impart.

The Importance of Elders and Mentorship

Throughout history, the role of elders who had traversed the territory, learned the hard lessons, and assumed the responsibility to guide other men has been pivotal. In many cultures, elders oversaw rights of passage and initiation rituals. Things like the Rumspringa of the Amish community or the warrior training of the Maasai were normal parts of life that helped boys make the transition to manhood.

Unfortunately, such rites of passage for men are hard to come by these days, and caring elders are few and far between. Yet the importance of elders in supporting men’s health cannot be overlooked. A 2005 review in the Handbook of Youth Mentoring highlights the positive impact of intergenerational mentorship on mental health. It notes that young men who have access to elder mentors experience lower levels of anxiety and depression, and report higher levels of life satisfaction.

Although there is a general void of mentorship in mainstream American culture, not all has been lost. Organizations like the ManKind Project, Evryman, and Sacred Sons are trying to fill the gaps in what society used to provide by default—male companionship and elder male leadership. These organizations are doing their best to root out the misogynistic, homophobic, and aggressive tendencies of the patriarchial past, while ushering in a new form of masculinity that is emotionally aware and responsible with power.

The Healing Power of Male Affinity Groups

Male affinity groups, including men’s circles and support groups, provide a safe space for men to explore aspects of their identity and well-being often neglected in other areas of life. Participation in such groups can lead to significant improvements in mental health, relationship quality, and overall life satisfaction. They provide opportunities for men to be vulnerable together, dismantling unhelpful masculine stereotypes—the "Mr. Nice Guy" and the "Macho Meat Head"—while integrating vulnerability into a broader identity that is equally strong as it is relationally attuned.

Connecting men with other men also combats loneliness, another epidemic that silently degrades men's health and is closely tied to suicide. Friendships born from these unique affinity spaces go beyond superficial drinking buddies or casual acquaintances. From my years of coaching men, this deeper connection is something many men desire but often don’t know how to ask for or cultivate.

The importance of such intimate male-male friendships cannot be understated. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies on adult life, found that close relationships are more critical to a happy and fulfilled life than money or fame. This study underscores the importance of camaraderie and brotherhood in men's lives, offering a buffer against loneliness and its associated health risks.

Cultural Roadblocks: Self-Reliance and the Fear of Vulnerability

Despite these benefits, many men struggle to seek support from others, especially other men. First is the longstanding notion that men should be self-reliant. Admitting the need for help is seen as a sign of weakness, and there’s nothing more threatening to a man's social status than appearing weak in front of peers.

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Second is being overly accommodating, non-confrontational, and people-pleasing. The tendency to suppress one's desires and emotions to gain approval often leaves men unable to express what they need as well. The result is a lot of men who carry unseen and unfelt burdens with them wherever they go but don't know how to express their discontent.

The irony is that within traditional patriarchal gender dynamics, men do let themselves express their suffering, just not to other men. They rely almost exclusively on women for much of their well-being. From sustenance to homecare to emotional labor, men are simultaneously taught to deny their need for care while refusing to acknowledge that they are indeed receiving care from others, notably the women in their lives.

Conclusion: Self-Care Can Be a Call to Brotherhood

It's time to expand the narrative around men’s self-care to include the invaluable role of social connections and mutual guy-to-guy support.

Men need to learn to ask other men for support, thus shifting the burden off of the female gender to get their needs met. Men also need to practice breaking free from traditional masculine norms that push groups of men to posture for dominance rather than lifting each other up through the right blend of challenge and support.

By embracing the wisdom of elders, the strength found in vulnerability, and the camaraderie of brotherhood, men can embark on a more holistic and fulfilling journey toward health and well-being.