3 Ways of Coping

Let’s face it: Life is tough. Most people will experience hardship or disaster at some point in their lives.

I, for one, suffered a period of severe illness followed by the news of my dear mother's untimely and completely unexpected death. Heartbroken, aching, and deeply exhausted, these experiences have prompted me to reflect on my own and other people’s responses to pain and suffering. And while every new day is difficult, I can’t help but marvel at the human ability to cope in the face of adverse circumstances.

What Is “Coping”?

Psychologists have long been studying human responses to prolonged periods of suffering. Susan Folkman, a leading scholar and researcher in the field, defined coping as “cognitive and behavioural efforts to master, reduce, or tolerate the internal and/or external demands that are created”—for example, by stressful life circumstances.

A lot of Folkman’s theoretical contributions were informed and inspired by her inspirational work with HIV/AIDS patients and their carers in the 1980s and 1990s. She used in-depth interviews to gather qualitative data that helped her understand how people were coping with chronic and terminal illness.

Remarkably, Folkman’s research produced a number of uplifting insights. Human beings are able to withstand significant amounts of trauma and distress. However, the way they do so differs from one individual to another. In fact, there appear to be three distinct coping styles, which people adopt to deal with hardship.

3 Styles of Coping

When dealing with stressful situations, people tend to use different coping styles. However, while people are typically aligned with one of the three coping styles explained below, it’s possible to use strategies from different styles and develop a combined approach to suit one’s personal needs.

1. Emotion-focused coping

The first style of coping aims to change the way a person feels about a challenging situation. This can be done using either a behavioural approach (i.e., doing something to feel better) or a cognitive approach (i.e., changing one’s thoughts to feel better).

Examples of behaviours include seeking distraction in a new hobby or releasing negative emotions by engaging in exercise. Examples of cognitive approaches include trying to think about the situation in a different way—for example, with a sense of humour or by focusing on positive aspects. Following the death of a loved one, for example, this might involve remembering and cherishing the many happy hours spent together before their passing.

A poignant quotation by an AIDS caregiver provides a powerful example of the surprising way in which humour might lighten even the heaviest burdens: “The most stressful daily challenges are the severe night and day sweats that John gets... The thought that comes to mind is that I'm glad we have a heavy-duty washer and dryer on the premises...”

2. Problem-focused coping

The second style of coping aims to change the challenging situation and take back some control. This can be done by tackling specific practical problems—either by reducing the amount of stress experienced or by increasing the personal capacities or resources to deal with that stress.

Cancer patients trying to reduce stress, for example, might try to seek solutions for dealing with particularly challenging aspects of their treatment. This could involve researching ways to combat claustrophobia during radiotherapy. An approach focusing on increasing personal resources, on the other hand, might include asking friends for help with daily tasks such as cleaning the house.

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A direct quotation from a caregiver offers an excellent illustration of problem-focused coping: “When someone you love has AIDS, you're overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness. In many ways, tasks associated with caregiving, such as learning to administer IVs, have helped me. You can't stop the disease, yet, but I found that there are things that you can do... to overcome that sense of helplessness.”

3. Meaning-focused coping

The third style of coping aims to change the way we interpret suffering by finding meaning even in the most difficult situations. This can be done by adapting the way we approach hardship and our entire experience of it.

It usually involves many little changes, such as revising life goals and realising what things really matter. For example, the diagnosis of a terminal illness might prompt a formerly career-oriented individual to quit their job and enjoy their final months travelling the world or spending time with family.

Again, a caregiver’s quotation encapsulates the style of meaning-focused coping perfectly: “Personally I feel proud, pleased that I can comfort him and have the energy, and God knows where that is coming from to cope. The event shows our tremendous love for each other. We are still making our love for each other the focal point.”

Lessons Learned

Understanding coping styles can be important in several ways. Firstly, it might help to inform and improve your own coping strategies when life throws you the inevitable curveball. Researching examples of different coping styles—be it emotion-focused, problem-focused or meaning-focused—might give you ideas of things you might try to make your personal suffering a little bit more bearable.

Additionally, learning about the different ways that people might adopt to cope is crucial for developing respect towards others’ responses to grief and hardship. Not everybody reacts in the same way—and that’s OK. The death of a loved one might spark an overwhelming need to comfort-eat in some individuals while inspiring others to throw themselves into the clear-out of a messy household. Accepting such differences can be key to creating a sense of mutual support and comfort during the most difficult times.