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Key points
- As important as having a positive self-image is being realistic about how others perceive you or don’t perceive you at all.
- Having a warped sense of being "special" might couple itself with tendencies of narcissism or entitlement.
- Not being "special" should be considered liberating.
In a recent post on this blog about prioritising things in your life, especially around making new year’s resolutions, I quoted a statement I heard over the Christmas break:
If you died tomorrow, it would take your employer about a month to replace you. On the other hand, your family would never be able to replace you.
I presented it as a means of exhibiting the importance of prioritising life outside of work, given that "We don’t live to work, we work to live." I discussed this even in cases where people really enjoy what they do for a living and the risk of burnout associated with it. I went on to state that, in terms of work and career, you are replaceable and, if that’s not a reason to prioritise other facets of your life, I don’t know what is!
The Label 'Special'
I received some feedback that suggesting people are replaceable in their work lives might be a bit harsh… Be that as it may, at the same time, it’s fair. That said, it’s not my aim to make the point sound like a downer; rather, the aim was for it to be liberating. However, looking back on the piece, I recognise that some people may struggle with letting go of the notion that they are special and that the activities in which they engage are always of utmost impact. Sure, there might be great impact in what you do, but that doesn’t make you special. The reality is, you are not special. I know…that probably sounds worse than being told that you’re replaceable; but, I think it only sounds worse because of the feelings and connotations associated with labels like "special."
Yes, everyone is special in their own ways—especially to their loved ones. I, myself, have my own cache of skills and strengths. I also have my drawbacks and character flaws. What makes me special— or perhaps, unique—is the particular combination of these strengths and weaknesses. But, Tom is special, too—as are Jill, Ben, Sarah, and Kevin. The list goes on. They all have their unique combinations of characteristics. But, if everyone is special in their own unique way, then no one is actually special.
The Scope of Things
Think of it in terms of statistics in psychological research—we desire a large sample size in part because they help us observe trends…and the more people we observe, the more similar people become (i.e., consistent with the concept of regression to the mean). For example, if you only had Jim and Denise—the differences between the two would be "remarkable"—you’d see how each is "special." But, that’s simply the scope of things. Change the scope from two people to 1,000 and you start to see that what made Jim or Denise special is actually not very special at all. So, even if Denise was a "special" kind of worker, it remains that if she quit her job, it’s quite likely that a more than suitable replacement would be found from the pool.
On the other hand, let’s say Jim and Denise are engaged to be married. Something about Jim has stood out to Denise above and beyond any other man she has ever met. That makes him special in her eyes and vice versa for Jim. The nature of that relationship is distinct from that of an employee–employer relationship. I know that’s obvious, but to make that explicit, likewise, makes explicit the nature of "special" and "replaceable" in the context of how it is initially used. Just because you can be replaced in one context doesn’t mean you’re not special in another. Thinking about either or both as constant, across contexts is maladaptive.
In terms of psychological well-being, it’s important to feel confident and look favourably upon oneself. Just as important as valuing yourself and having a positive self-image is being realistic about how others perceive you or, perhaps, don’t perceive you at all. That is, you are not special to everyone or in every situation. Recognising this should not be a blow to one’s self-image; rather, it will help you engage with others in a healthy and successful manner.
Narcissism or Entitlement
Having a warped sense of being "special" or unwarranted overconfidence might couple itself with tendencies associated with narcissism or entitlement. Of course, entitlement (along with overconfidence) is often discussed in terms of a character flaw, which people generally dislike. On the other hand, narcissism, which often goes hand in hand with notions of entitlement, may lead to other negative outcomes associated with self-image.
For example, a person who believes they’re "special" (in terms of being more talented than others and, thus, entitled to certain things in life as a result) is likely to engage in events that go against their will worse than someone who has a more balanced view of their place in the world (e.g., being denied a promotion or not getting a job following an interview). Likewise, recognising that you are not special is useful for dealing with setbacks when they do happen.
Simply, you are not special. You are replaceable. You may be the only you in the world, but there are thousands out there like you who can fulfill the same role you do. The world does not care about you. Do not take that as a criticism or damnation. These are not bad things; they are just statistical outcomes. Instead, take it as liberating. Don’t be "shackled" by the idealised notion of who you think you are—be it who you wish you were or a misconceived version of how you actually see yourself. Being real in this context is important, and it’s healthy (consider it from a self-actualisation perspective), but it doesn’t stop you from being special—not for the people who matter (or should matter) most in your life.
