Relationship Lessons From a Sex and Couples Therapist

I have been a licensed psychotherapist working full-time in private practice for 17 years—and practicing longer than that if you count my time working as an intern therapist at a few agencies and clinics. While I do not keep track of the number of clients I have worked with, it has been a lot. So, I think it is safe to say I have observed a few things about intimate human relationships. While some issues are unique to the couple I’m working with, there are others that are universal to all couples. There are some things I wish I could tell every young (in age or length of relationship) couple at the start of their relationship. Here they are in no particular order:

1. There will be some incompatible things in your relationship that you will not be able to negotiate and compromise away. Learn to allow those differences to exist, accept them regardless of your complex feelings, and then relate to them in a new way.
2. On that note, be mindful of how you frame problems or the narrative you create about those differences. Saying “we’re incompatible” is often the first, frequently unconscious, step towards heading out the door. I have seen some couples with so many seemingly serious differences I think, “There is no way these two will make it through this,” yet they remained so committed to themselves, each other, their family, their relationship, and their growth that I was in awe with how they stretched themselves in remarkable ways to stay together while also each maintaining their individual integrity. I have also seen couples whose individual frustration tolerance was so low and/or their stubbornness was so high that any difference was a serious threat to their relationship’s survival.
3. Sex may be great in the beginning, but it will inevitably change. Perhaps it will lessen in frequency or become more predictable. Don’t panic when that happens. And again, watch that narrative you start telling yourself about your sex life (see #2). Use the experience to step up your communication with your partner and work to get the sex life you want because it doesn’t just magically fall into your lap or solely involve your partner changing some aspect of themselves or their sexuality.
4. Conflict is inescapable. It is difficult for most people to endure, and it does not necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. Issues often take weeks, months, or even years to resolve (and sometimes they will not resolve—see #1). Do you have the inner resources, like patience, to tolerate the murky waters?
5. Having empathy for your partner and their perspective does not negate your own experience or perspective. And having empathy for your partner also does not mean you condone or agree with their perspective, either. It just means you understand. Learning to hold both your and your partner’s experiences in your heart and mind at the same time will get you through those weeks/months/years-long conflicts a lot faster.
6. Practice humility and work on increasing your self-awareness. Sure, during a fight, it is really easy—and tempting—to point a finger at your partner and see how what they’re doing is “The Problem,” but that will not change things for the better. Having the humility plus the self-awareness to say, “Here’s my part in our dysfunctional dynamic,” will go a long, long way towards respectful resolution (and might even inspire your partner to level up and own their part).
7. The truly harmful issues in a relationship are: active substance abuse/dependency, domestic violence/intimate partner violence, and undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. Any one of these three things threaten the survival of a relationship more than just about anything else I have witnessed. If these go unaddressed or unchanged for a long time, the damage they cause can be permanent, lasting, and irreversible.
8. Having kids will most likely mess up your sex life. For years. A relationship has different chapters, and sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and acknowledge that "We're in the low sex/no sex chapter right now.” So, hunker down and keep talking to one another to get through it.
9. Allow grief to exist, and don’t try to make it go away prematurely, whether that’s grief over the loss of a pregnancy, a parent, a pet, a promotion, or something else. Grief changes most people. Whether it is you or your partner who is grieving, hold that person with tenderness and care.
10. Lastly, intimate relationships, like relationships of all kinds, are a mirror. Meaning they reflect you back to you. Sometimes it is really painful to see the parts of yourself that are being reflected back to you. Don’t turn away. Instead, use that pain to change yourself, whether it’s your words, actions, or internal state, and grow yourself up.