How to Fight Perfectionism and Learn From Your Mistakes

By Bret Lyon, Ph.D., SEP

Perfectionism is one way that we defend ourselves against feeling toxic shame. When people feel unworthy deep down, they may find that the only path forward to maintain a sense of self-worth is to strive for an elusive perfection. While toxic shame says, "I'm not good enough; I'm a failure," perfectionism says "I need to be perfect, and I can be. Failure is not an option. Only then can I be OK."

I once gave a speech to a group on July 4. I knew that Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on July 4. What a great topic for a speech—though it had little to do with the subject I was supposed to be talking about. Impulsively, I mapped out the speech and gave it. It was a disaster. Too intellectual and utterly unsuited to the group. I was dismayed when people actually walked out!

As a man with a strong perfectionist streak, I didn't take it very well. My first reaction was toxic shame. I felt terrible. Sick to my stomach. I actually retreated to my bed for several days. I had utterly blown it, failed. I was convinced that I would never be asked to speak again.

After several miserable, shame-filled days, I began to reassess. I had always prepared carefully for presentations. I had rehearsed and tried out material on my wife and friends. In this case, I had not prepared well, nor checked with anybody. I had misread the interest of the audience.

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame

My original reaction had been "I suck at this! I'll never humiliate myself again by speaking in public.” Over time, I gradually become more accepting and kind to myself. I made a welcomed transition from toxic shame to healthy shame.

My healthy shame thought was “Yes, I did blow it. I didn't prepare properly or run it by anybody. And I really didn't understand my audience and what they were looking for. I will do my best not to make that mistake again. I will prepare carefully, and I will be a lot clearer about who I am speaking to. I will also make careful choices about who I speak to.” Instead of ending my career as a teacher, speaker, and presenter, I took steps to become better at it.

Being perfect is a tall order, considering that nobody can attain that impossible goal. And while a little perfectionism might help you do a better job, too much creates problems. When things don't go well, the shame comes back twice as strong. As I still remember Mr. Spock saying in a Star Trek episode, “The perfect is the enemy of the good" or, I would add, the good enough.

In the incident I described, I reassessed and transformed my frozen, toxic shame, into healthy shame, which helped me move forward. This is not always the case for me—or most people. There are areas in which we all get stuck in toxic shame and have real trouble moving out of it. This is especially true if we were overwhelmed by shame growing up and weren’t invited to recognize our feelings of shame, pain, and isolation.

While toxic shame feels horrible and produces a deeply unpleasant state of freeze, healthy shame can actually help you function better. A humorous example of healthy shame is realizing “I can't fly. I wish I could. It would be really nice. I really envy those birds, just soaring through the air. But I can't. I'm human. I have limitations, just as all people have limitations.”

This understanding is particularly healthy because it can keep us from jumping off cliffs or tall buildings and personally discovering gravity. While this is an extreme example, healthy shame helps us become aware of our limitations, reassess our actions, and act more appropriately in the future. Healthy shame creates a pause in activity and a temporary retreat from the situation, which allows for a clearer perspective, reassessment, and behaving differently.

A Simple Practice

Here is a simple practice when something goes wrong and you start to blame and criticize yourself: Slow down and ask yourself, "Rather than beating myself up, what steps can I take to make things better?

The concept of healthy shame can be helpful for anyone who keeps trying to get rid of shame entirely. Shame is part of the human condition; it needs to be embraced and worked with wisely, as discussed in our book, Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Transform It Into a Powerful Ally.

Shame Essential Reads

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Disclosing Sensitive Topics In Therapy

Thinking of transforming shame, rather than eliminating it, helps soften the shame by pointing toward an attainable middle ground. Everyone has shame. It is how we hold the shame that makes the crucial difference between staying stuck or growing. Does our shame stop us from functioning—or give us a pause in action and an opportunity to reassess? Are we ashamed of our shame, or can we gently hold it as part of what actually makes us human?