How to Spot the Link Between Impulsivity and Infidelity

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“It just happened,” partners trying to explain acts of infidelity often say.

Is that ever true? Acts of adultery are decisions—often poorly made and regrettable, but intentional actions nonetheless. Betrayals of trust within intimates are devastating to the betrayed partner and can derail relationships. Although there are links between deciding to stray and the ability to delay gratification or think before acting, not everyone who is impulsive is unfaithful. Consider the ways in which predisposition interacts with principles and personality.

Investigating Impulsivity

For many people, impulsivity is a common challenge—from the retail store to the grocery store. That is why the candy and magazines with salacious headlines are still at the cash register, and our Internet sessions are bombarded with clickbait advertising. Research reveals, however, that within relationships, impulsivity can be associated with more than spending out of our price range or going off our diets—it can be associated with infidelity.

F. Carrier Emond et al. (2016) examined the link between sexual impulsivity and problematic adult sexual behaviors.¹ They begin broadly, noting the significance of this issue generally, given the reality that people who succumb to immediate sexual gratification may suffer negative consequences relationally, but also physically, psychologically, or legally—which has been my focus as a sex crimes prosecutor for almost 30 years.

Emond et al. recognize impulsivity as a risk factor for conjugal infidelity as well as risky sexual behaviors in general, which can lead to unwanted pregnancy and the transmittal of sexually transmitted infections, as well as sexual coercion, which the authors define as a “strategy used to have a sexual contact with someone who is unwilling or unable to consent.”

Emond et al. also recognize impulsivity as a multidimensional construct including factors such as the inability to tolerate delay, trouble inhibiting inappropriate behavior, and having a predisposition to act without considering the consequences. Regarding the nature of impulsivity as a character trait, Emond et al. defined it as “a relatively stable intrapersonal characteristic leading individuals to engage in reckless, inconsiderate actions.” They additionally note, however, that some people uniquely struggle with appropriate self-control within the sexual domain.

Impulsivity and Sensation Seeking

Emond et al. note that impulsivity and conjugal infidelity have been associated with general measures of impulsivity as well as with sensation seeking. They also recognize what many people have experienced as a practical matter, either personally or as the victim of infidelity—the relationship between unfaithful behavior and problematic drug and alcohol use. Substance abuse can prompt behavioral disinhibition, which is one of the reasons partners predisposed toward overindulgence are well-advised to avoid situations in which their better judgment may be overruled in the moment, such as may occur at parties or events with an open bar.

Impulsiveness Tempered by Integrity

Singles looking for true love and not merely a liaison are advised to examine the principles behind the interpersonal presentation. Many adventurous people are exciting as well as ethical, tempering fun with family, friends, and faith. Instead of only looking for red flags, consider some of the green lights:

• Future focus. People who are pre-planners both personally and professionally are playing the long game and less likely to be swept away on a whim. They keep moving within a distracting field of shiny objects, focusing on wholesome goals such as family, fitness, and finances.
• Self-made success. It is challenging for impulsive individuals to persevere professionally, scholastically, or athletically if they are consistently lured off course by risky endeavors or bouts of poor judgment. The time and effort required for a prospective paramour to have earned the degrees, experience, or expertise he or she has reveals morals and motivation.
• Delayed gratification. The ability to resist temporary temptation in order to achieve greater goals signals self-control. People who are successful in maintaining a diet or exercise routine past the second week of January, or able to go the entire 40 days giving up a favorite food during the season of Lent are also more likely to remain faithful in the face of relational alternatives.

In life and love, the real reward lies at the end of a road well-traveled—safely down the middle. Consider someone’s past and straight path in determining whether their morals and makeup are a match for you.