Who's Most Likely to See a Breakup Coming

On the dating scene, many people have experienced the anxiety that comes with fearing the return to singlehood. Weekend date nights have dissipated, phone calls and text messages are less frequent and less intimate, and couples who were once inseparable are no longer planning a future together. Patterns make the prediction: Welcome to the beginning of the end.

Relationship dissolution is not always a bad thing. No one laments the end of an abusive, toxic, or dysfunctional dating relationship. Friends and family are thrilled to see loved ones leave a mismatched ex-suitor in the rearview mirror. Yet even in the absence of adverse relational dynamics, some formerly red-hot unions just fizzle. For many couples, however, the transition from passion to predictable does not signal a breakup. To the contrary, some couples in long, happy marriages joke that their spouses fit them like an old, comfortable shoe.

But, in any relationship, can partners see a breakup coming? According to research, partner perception depends on the perceiver.

Anxiety and Accuracy

Kenneth Tan et al. (2023) assessed the accuracy of partner perception of dissolution considerations moderated by the attachment anxiety of the perceiver.¹ They examined the construct of perceived partner dissolution consideration (PPDC), recognizing that perceiving partner commitment is different from perceiving consideration of relationship termination. As a result of their study of 108 unmarried couples, they suggest that people with high PPDC are more likely to attempt dissolution themselves out of a desire for self-protection but more likely to attempt to maintain or repair a relationship in response to low perceived partner commitment.

In general, Tan et al. found compelling and consistent support for the accuracy of PPDC, meaning people are likely to accurately detect when their partner is considering a breakup. Yet they also found that partners significantly underestimated dissolution consideration and projected their own dissolution consideration onto their partners. Regarding accuracy, people who had more anxiety were especially accurate in assessing partner consideration of dissolution.

Proactively Setting the Scene for a Split

How should a partner respond when they see the writing is on the wall? Han et al. recognize that the ability to see a breakup coming can be important from a risk regulation perspective, triggering a reaction of self-protection. Yet, this response can vary, different depending on age and stage in life. Han et al. note that from a developmental perspective, young people who experience multiple romantic relationships as they mature can appreciate and understand the type of qualities they are looking for in a partner, and dating different people also helps them develop relationship skills.

When the Bloom Is Off the Rose

When it appears that dissolution is on the horizon, perhaps based on nothing more than “growing apart,” proactive partners prepare. This is where a strong support system is key. Friends, family, and a faith community can provide the social and emotional resources to soften the blow of being “suddenly single” and help new ex-partners envision a bright future, with or without a significant other.

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