How Nice Guys (and Women) Can Find Love

In modern society, nice people seem to get overlooked. After all, as the expression goes, "nice guys and gals finish last." But, is that always true? Is being nice always a disadvantage—particularly in dating and relationships? I went back to the research to find out.

Now, this was not my first dive into the topic. I've previously written about women's dating preferences for nice guys vs. bad boyst. The problem with that research is that it uses different scenarios, describing "nice" behaviors, but never really identifiying the underlying personality traits or characteristics of a nice person in general. So, I had to look more deeply—and define "nice" a bit more clearly.

What Makes a "Nice" Person?

Fortunately, one of the biggest personality differences seems to fit well with the "bad vs. nice" dichotomy. Known as The Big Two, it describes people along two major dimensions (Wiggins, 1979). The first dimension is competence, which describes a personality that is full of agency, uniqueness, and ambition. The second dimension is warmth, which describes a personality that seeks communion, relatedness with others, and morality.

Given that framework, it isn't too hard to see that the "bad boy and girl" highlights the first factor, while the "nice guy and gal" exemplifies the second factor. One generally challenges the system and values ambition. The other tends to go along to get along and values relationships with others. With this distinction, I was able to find out much more about the fate of nice people—and how they can win at dating and mating.

Personality and Mating

So, how do the dating and mating efforts of warm and competent people differ from one another? Do they want different things in a mate? Does culture play a role in whether they get it?

These questions were explored in an international mating study conducted by Gebauer, Leary, and Neberich (2012). The team looked at how the above Big Two dimensions of personality related to preferences for the Big Three mate characteristics of attractiveness, status, and interpersonal warmth. The researchers also looked at how these preferences differed across 11 countries—depending on how much the culture of each country valued attractiveness in a mate.

Initial results supported the idea that individuals prefer mates similar to themselves. Specifically, warm folks prioritized partners who were also high in warmth. In contrast, competent individuals preferred partners who were attractive and high status instead. In that scenario, everybody finds a compatible partner and gets what they want. Unfortunately, people do not match up that way in every culture...

How Culture Impacts Nice People

Gebauer, Leary, and Neberich (2012) found a wrinkle in the matching process when they looked across cultures. The competent folks (also known as agentic), tended to go against cultural norms (probably why they get the "bad" reputation). In contrast, the warm folks (also known as communal), tended to be agreeable and conform to cultural norms instead (hence the "nice" reputation). Given that difference, however, in cultures that focus on attractiveness, the matching process got crisscrossed and thrown out of whack.

Specifically, in cultures that highly value attractiveness, nice guys and gals (communal/warm) tend to conform and raise their standards significantly regarding the attractiveness of a mate. Also, bad boys and, less so, bad girls (agentic/competent), tend to rebel a bit and lessen their standards for attractiveness somewhat. As a result, in those cultures, everyone tends to prioritize at least better-than-average attractiveness in a mate—rather than picking someone similar to themselves on the wider range of mate characteristics. Furthermore, because no one is valuing nice partners (even nice people themselves), they tend to get overlooked in attractiveness-focused societies.

Winning the Mating Game

If you live in an attractiveness-focused culture, this lopsided mating market preference might seem familiar to you. If you are a nice and warm person, you've probably really felt the squeeze and frustration. That is because, as I have discussed in my book Attraction Psychology and previous posts, following mixed-up social rules doesn't work—especially for you.

Nevertheless, as the research above hints at, there are still ways you can finish first in love. To start, focus on learning the basics about love and relationships, especially the balance between passion and companionship. Those factors also relate to charisma and the traits of influence and affability, too.

Mating Essential Reads

The Logical Way to Find a Life Partner

7 Key Things to Pay Attention to When Dating Someone New

Within that framework, as a nice and warm person, your strengths are aligned with being an affable companion. That personality (emotionally stable, agreeable, etc.) makes you a great long-term mate and marriage partner (Mousavi, 2017). When you focus on matching with a partner who is also warm and agreeable, you (and they) win, especially with regard to long-term love.

When you follow a society stressing attractiveness, however, and prioritize partners based on passion and influence, then there is a mismatch in compatibility. In that scenario, nice guys and gals can finish last. Specifically, they can get stuck in the friend zone, or as friends-with-benefits, by trying to connect with a colder and less agreeable mate.

Therefore, it pays for nice people to prioritize finding partners with similar warm and agreeable personalities as themselves. This is true, even if you have to go against what your culture is valuing, or if you have to find a community in which those traits are more highly valued.

© 2024 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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